No Christmas angel.
Join Date: Oct 2011
Re: My Prologue - Roughly 1350 Words
Interesting, with some stuff going on to pique my interest. I don't think the first section adds anything and the second flows better. I think there is a bit too much telling, and the dialogue tags are something that can be fixed really easily.
Originally Posted by Myra
Hiya, Myra, welcome to the crits board. ************************ A bright light filled a large marble roommarble material, shaped like a marble? and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practicewhat type of beings are they human? did they step out of the light? I'm having trouble visualising it.. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them. All my wires has already menetioned it, but if you are continuing on to the woman said it is a comma, exclamation mark or question mark inside the quote. You can do a full stop if you're moving onto an action eg. "You are back." The woman moved over to them. Check out the toolbox; there'll be stuff in it about dialogue punctuation. “Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.a little wordy and tellilng. “I do not know. He never mentioned it.” Adrielle answered as she stared at the two with a frown. “What has been occurring in our absence?” Baal, who had been silent until now, asked. Are they stilted in their speech? Or do you want it to run smoothly? If so, try reading this aloud - it's probably smoother with something like What's been occuring?" “Things have not been good. Wars have been breaking out everywhere. Lilith has been on earth constantly to ease the suffering.” Adrielle answered grimly as she motioned them over to a large orb in the middle of the marble hall. As they looked into the orb, it revealed itself to be a large scale of the earth, but on the surface they could see little lights in different colours which resembled humans, plants, buildings and many other things. Baal looked at the lights in red that were huddled closely in certain areas on the globe before looking at his companions, “There are many. This does not bode well for us, Natalya.” He said slowly as his eyes moved to the globe again. “It was unavoidable while we were trapped within the Shadow Realm. Mankind had no rule.” Natalya answered knowing deep down that both she and Baal were to blame for what was happening on earth. “Yes, it seems that without us Mankind has fallen to war and evil.” Said Baal as he stepped back from the globe and moved over to an empty throne on a raised surface and sat down tiredly.so this is a good eg of how you can show instead of tell: Baal stepped back and to moved to an empty throne, slumping into it. (or something much better. ) “Lilith has been out amongst them. She has mentioned that things are not good down there.” Adrielle said as she took a step towards him. Baal let out a laugh, “So Lilith had her work cut out for her, did she?” he asked Adrielle, a strange gleam in his brown eyes. “We need to fix what has come to pass, Baal.” Natalya put in as she placed a gentle hand on Adrielle’s shoulder. “And we will.” Baal agreed as he stood from the throne and moved towards them. He addressed Adrielle, “We will see to it that the balance is restored.” “Please do, Baal.” Adrielle answered as she took his hand. Baal squeezed it tightly before nodding to Natalya, “Let’s go.” He said before disappearing from the room almost as if he had never been there in the first place. Natalya looked away from the spot where Baal had just been standing before turning to Adrielle whom she had always regarded as her little sister, “Where are Chromes and Chronus?” asked she as she looked around the empty hall again uncertainly. “I am not sure. They left some time ago.” Adrielle answered as she sighed a little. “Hm, interesting. Perhaps they have gone to check on things. I had better follow Baal. He may make things worse.” Natalya said before disappearing to join Baal. Adrielle walked to the window and placed a small hand on the window pane. Her saddened eyes took in the clear night sky, but the stars gave her no comfort, “Save them.” She whispered. * * * * * * Wake up. A young girl opened her eyes at the sound of the voice in her mind. She was somewhere that was very dark and she could not even see her hand as she felt the cold ground beneath her. Stand, the voice in her mind said, almost like an order, and the girl pulled herself to her feet. Fear overcame her as she tried in vain to look around in the dark and noticed a small light in the distance and she could make out part of a building. With caution she began walking towards the light and as she reached it she looked down at herself to find that she was wearing a plain black robe with dark blue trims and she became aware of a pendant glinting at her chest that interested her. It was a multitude of chains all linked together and holding four small clocks; two of them were black and shaped like a heart and the other two were white and oval shaped. All read different times and different dates. Confused, she looked at them to see if she could reset them.This is better, it flows better and you're doing more showing - the clock hands, reading different times etc. Do not worry yourself with the necklace, child. Step forth further into the building, the voice said and the girl took a step back in fear. Was someone watching her? She mentally shook herself and began slowly making her way towards the building. As she entered the huge doorway where the doors were hanging off their hinges, she looked around at the walls that were bare and cracked in places. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there. It was cold and dark, save for the torches giving off a flickering light and it didn’t take her long to figure out that she was completely alone in that place. As she stumbled over the debris, she began to make out the edges of another stone building across a marble bridge that resembled a Temple of some sort, but it seemed bereft of any life. As she made her way across the bridge, she suddenly realised that she did not even know her own name and a memory came to her abruptly, but there were some things that didn’t seem right about it. perhaps leading me a little here. A boat, swaying in the ocean, the water lapping at the sides…warm, protective arms around her and the whispers of comfort from that person…a pair of blue eyes showing concern and those eyes closing and fading from her sight. Were these memories real? She could not say for sure, but they comforted her in this dark, forsaken place. Have I always been here? Are these memories just a lie? Why? I don’t know this place! I don’t belong here! She thought as the fear began to overcome her senses again. You have always been here. Those memories are just lies to deceive you. Trust my voice and let that memory go…it will not be good for you to think on it, the voice advised and the girl felt a gentle, soothing feeling rush through her. With the voice in her mind as a companion, she would not feel so alone. The memories she had remembered were banished from her mind. She followed the words of the voice to a pedestal in the middle of the Temple. Settled on a cushion, there was a strange contraption and the girl’s sense of interest piqued. Relax your mind and then use the device, the voice said and she tried to clear her mind as she was told. As she placed the device on her head images flooded her mind…all history from the very beginning of the world and, as she watched history unfold, the voice spoke again, you were born for greater things, Altaire D’Arville. You have been given a task. See it through. Altaire D’Arville took the device from her head and opened her eyes. All fear and uncertainty that was present before was gone as she spoke in a calm voice, “I will, Goddess of all.” * * * * * * Floating in a void of nothing was a man attired in a black suit. He opened his eyes and a cruel smile flitted onto his face and he took the hand of his companion; a beautiful brown haired woman. They both looked towards a doorway that had appeared in the space, light streaming in from the unknown and twin smirks appeared on their faces. The man turned to his companion, “My dear sister, after a long sleep, our time has come.” He said softly to her before leading her through the door.