Hi Myra,
I'm not going to do a full crit because I've not got the time, but I'll make a few comments. First of all, your punctuation with speech needs to have commas, not full stops. For example:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Myra  “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them. |
becomes:
Quote:
|
"Natalya, Baal? You are back," the woman said as she moved over to them.
|
As a general reaction, I thought the beginning was too slow, and I wasn't really sure what was going on. It was very mysterious, but in a confusing rather than intriguing way. Do you really need the first bit? If you started just from the section with the girl, I think it would be a much stronger opening, and much more intriguing. I liked all the stuff after that.