I'm not going to do a full crit because I've not got the time, but I'll make a few comments. First of all, your punctuation with speech needs to have commas, not full stops. For example:
Originally Posted by Myra
“Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.
"Natalya, Baal? You are back," the woman said as she moved over to them.
As a general reaction, I thought the beginning was too slow, and I wasn't really sure what was going on. It was very mysterious, but in a confusing rather than intriguing way. Do you really need the first bit? If you started just from the section with the girl, I think it would be a much stronger opening, and much more intriguing. I liked all the stuff after that.