Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Greater London
Re: My Prologue - Roughly 1350 Words
A bright light filled a large marble room and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practice. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.
The opening line was a little flat, the normal practice removed any excitement for me.
“Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.
The tail end of the sentence does not add value for me. The room is never described very well which felt a little unfair to me.
“What has been occurring in our absence?” Baal, who had been silent until now, asked.
We know Baal has been silent till now, that’s telling and not needed. It would have been better to state his emotion or tell us what he looked like.
Baal looked at the lights in red that were huddled closely in certain areas on the globe before looking at his companions, “There are many. This does not bode well for us, Natalya.” He said slowly as his eyes moved to the globe again.
The globe was over described, but to be fair explains some elements of plot.
“It was unavoidable while we were trapped within the Shadow Realm. Mankind had no rule.” Natalya answered knowing deep down that both she and Baal were to blame for what was happening on earth.
“Yes, it seems that without us Mankind has fallen to war and evil.” Said Baal as he stepped back from the globe and moved over to an empty throne on a raised surface and sat down tiredly.
This is a big step up in plot and as yet I have no idea what these characters look like.
Baal squeezed it tightly before nodding to Natalya, “Let’s go.” He said before disappearing from the room almost as if he had never been there in the first place.
Usually what happens when someone leaves, telling again.
Adrielle walked to the window and placed a small hand on the window pane. Her saddened eyes took in the clear night sky, but the stars gave her no comfort, “Save them.” She whispered.
I was left very confused by the ending of this section I’m sorry to say. I was left with no empathy for the characters as very little happened of note in the opening section, and there was no feel for the characters. Too much use of description such as the throne, he sat, he got up, the throne was un-necessary and distracting.
* * * * * *
Stand, the voice in her mind said, almost like an order, and the girl pulled herself to her feet. Fear overcame her as she tried in vain to look around in the dark and noticed a small light in the distance and she could make out part of a building. With caution she began walking towards the light and as she reached it she looked down at herself to find that she was wearing a plain black robe with dark blue trims and she became aware of a pendant glinting at her chest that interested her. It was a multitude of chains all linked together and holding four small clocks; two of them were black and shaped like a heart and the other two were white and oval shaped. All read different times and different dates. Confused, she looked at them to see if she could reset them.
Lots of description only to be told, forget about it in the opening of the next section.
Do not worry yourself with the necklace, child. Step forth further into the building, the voice said and the girl took a step back in fear. Was someone watching her? She mentally shook herself and began slowly making her way towards the building. As she entered the huge doorway where the doors were hanging off their hinges, she looked around at the walls that were bare and cracked in places. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there. It was cold and dark, save for the torches giving off a flickering light and it didn’t take her long to figure out that she was completely alone in that place. As she stumbled over the debris, she began to make out the edges of another stone building across a marble bridge that resembled a Temple of some sort, but it seemed bereft of any life.
Lots of description again, but this felt better as its from one character POV.
As she made her way across the bridge, she suddenly realised that she did not even know her own name and a memory came to her abruptly, but there were some things that didn’t seem right about it.
A boat, swaying in the ocean, the water lapping at the sides…warm, protective arms around her and the whispers of comfort from that person…a pair of blue eyes showing concern and those eyes closing and fading from her sight.
Were these memories real? She could not say for sure, but they comforted her in this dark, forsaken place. Have I always been here? Are these memories just a lie? Why? I don’t know this place! I don’t belong here! She thought as the fear began to overcome her senses again.
I liked the three lines above.A little over written but brought emotion into the writing that had been lacking till now.
You have always been here. Those memories are just lies to deceive you. Trust my voice and let that memory go…it will not be good for you to think on it, the voice advised and the girl felt a gentle, soothing feeling rush through her. With the voice in her mind as a companion, she would not feel so alone. The memories she had remembered were banished from her mind. She followed the words of the voice to a pedestal in the middle of the Temple. Settled on a cushion, there was a strange contraption and the girl’s sense of interest piqued.
The use of the devise and the goddess of all was too quick for me, I still don’t know the character that might be saving the world so I don’t find myself all that engaged.
* * * * * *
Floating in a void of nothing was a man attired in a black suit. He opened his eyes and a cruel smile flitted onto his face and he took the hand of his companion; a beautiful brown haired woman. They both looked towards a doorway that had appeared in the space, light streaming in from the unknown and twin smirks appeared on their faces.
The man turned to his companion, “My dear sister, after a long sleep, our time has come.” He said softly to her before leading her through the door.
I can see where you’re going with ‘the man’ – but this but it’s too quick for me again.
Myra, this felt like a lot of telling and over use of description. I have also not corrected grammar as I don’t have the time right now, your punctuation needs work and hopefully Chrispy will be along to help with that. The plot was fast with a lot introduced without filling in the characters for me, so I had no empathy for them, which meant I was losing interest near the end. You missed the hook to draw the reader in, to develop your characters, and because of this I had little interest in their problems. However I liked the middle section with the girl. Focus a little more on character development, even what they looked like while trying to avoid over writing and telling. Not too bad Myra and you have a great imagination at work here. It all felt very rushed, chill out a little and enjoy your writing.