Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: SOUTH AMERICA
Re: [Let's read] Live free or die, Ringo John
a small animated web show, sure no problem, but he is talking about a TV show and a movie!
The problem with the comic is that he will complain again and again about people giving up, but he gave up in his biggest dream without even trying!
Last time, aliens are real and now Star Wars sucks! Now, it’s time to trade.
Our protagonist now goes back to his little town and searches in the trash a bit to find anything worth of trading with the Good Aliens. And them talk a bit about how he always wanted to be a spaceman:
He hadn't just come up with TradeHard on the spur of the moment, he'd wanted to be Wathaet from the time he was a kid. His grandfather was in his sixties before they ever met but he remembered the old man's stories like they were yesterday. Granda had been a crewman, eventually rising to captain, on tramp steamers that plied the South Seas trade back when they were still converting from sail to steam. His stories of trading for copra, fights with gangs in pre-Communist Shanghai and, as they both got older, beautiful island maidens, were some of the highlights of Tyler's childhood. That and books, mostly SF books once he found them. Combine Norton and Heinlein and Poul with Granda and you got TradeHard, what Tyler really wanted to do when he grew up.
Hey, did he tell you about all the gorgeous navy boys too?
He'd considered going into the merchant marine rather than college but it simply wasn't the same as when Granda was a crewman. American crewmen, especially, ran under so many rules, unions and regulations that it wasn't much different from being part of any other corporation. The soul was gone from it.
Damn you Unions and your evil ways of demanding a secure work environment and fair wages!
Next the aliens talk a bit about how poor they are and how they will need to work for a big company to pay for they debts and how the “Folk art” they got will only sell for a few credits and then Tyler arrives.
"Vernon Tyler. I'm supposed to meet with Captain Wathaet."
"Yes, sir," the security guard said, consulting a list. "Could I see some ID?"
"Why are there guards on the ship?" Tyler asked.
"Believe it or not, some people can't sort out the difference between Glatun and our Horvath benefactors," the guard said, handing back his ID. "So far we haven't had any protestors but there have been... incidents in other countries."
Incidents?! Now I’m curious, tell me more about it, it would be nice to see how other peoples are reacting to the aliens, what about the pope? He made any announcement? And the others religious leaders? Really, the existence of alien life is kind of a big thing, so what happened?
"Rare and costly viands from the four corners of the earth," Tyler said, cheerfully. "You'll understand if I don't get into exactly what rare and costly viands."
"Of course," Wathaet said as Tyler started unloading. "Bring them up in the ship. I've set up a table and some chairs. It occurred to me after we made this agreement that I was placing myself in trade against the writer of TradeHard. I'm not sure that's a good idea."
So, you are not going to expand in these “Incidents”? Just gonna keep with your boring trade stuff? I feel like I’m missing a good history here, think about it, what if a black ops organization mount a fake terrorist attack against aliens just so they can get a few bodies for study.
And of course we can’t go without mentioning the super-awesome-comic and how Tyler is a super negotiator for writing it. Next they find that maple syrup is like cocaine for aliens and it’s time for trading, hard trading!
"So... two weight of atomic level circuitry to one weight of Dragon's Tears," Tyler said. "We have a deal?"
"I dunno," Fabet said. "You got anymore?"
"I think that is a fair trade," Drath said, slowly and distinctly. His head twitched several times rapidly.
And done, He made a deal with the Good Aliens and now he goes out in search of more maple syrup, he first stop is in the AT&T where we have another “exhilarant” trading sequence when he again shows how, never having done this in his life, he is a consummate trader.
"Can you get the right people here by then?" Tyler asked. "We're talking cases of atacirc. And it has to be all sub-rosa."
"We've gotten used to working around the Horvath," Rayl said with a sigh. "They, fortunately, either don't pay as much attention as people think or can't count. We've simply had to sneak materials through the system beyond what they allow. We are, in other words, used to this sort of thing. I can get the right people here. With their checkbooks. Speaking of which, stay here. I'll go get the check."
There! You see! AT&T is sneaking materials from the Evil Aliens! I’m telling you there is a better history running and we are stuck with this asshole! What are they doing with the material? Is there any kind of secret resistance going on?
But of course, Tyler never asks about it, because he is a self centered moron. Next scene we have another glimpse of this better history:
"Mr. Vernon," a man in a suit said. Fifties and a bit chubby with an incongruous goatee. "My name is Senior Special Agent Aaron Spuler. Welcome to the command post of Project 4038."
"Which is spying on Tyler Vernon?" Tyler asked. "There are laws, you know."
"Which is spying on aliens who can... what was the phrase? Go through our most advanced firewalls so easily it's like 'looking through an open window,'" Spuler said. "And anyone who has interaction with them. Because every interaction with ETs is a potential national security problem as long as that God damned Horvath ship is in the sky."
Again! Stop teasing me with this better cloak and dagger stuff if you are not going to use it! He tells the agents all about the maple syrup/cocaine deal with the aliens and the agents just go and say yeah go ahead and do; it’s totally just a commercial enterprise and we can’t do anything… He has just said that any interaction is a national security matter! Why didn’t they report it for their superiors and then proceed to buy all the lands capable of producing maple through proxy companies and the like? Come on! Do something!
After that he gives a call to his wife just to say that he now has money and everything is ok, but he don’t want to talk with his daughters because he is going into danger, but of course all that he is doing is just trading stuff and he never really got in any kind of real danger through the entire book! He is just a moron that not want to talk to his children and keep making excuses, but of course the Wife is all like “Oh, he always want to talk with the girls and he is so awesome, something must be wrong, I’ll investigate!” And of course, she does nothing, because in this book if your name isn’t [s]John Ringo[/s] Tyler Vernon then you can’t do anything.
"Be good winter for the sap," Haselbauer said, climbing off the tractor. "Good leaves means good sap. And how are you doing?"
"Well, sir, well," Tyler said. For all he dressed like a homeless guy, Haselbauer probably owned more land than Mrs. Cranshaw. And, notably, a maple syrup distillery. And about as renowned for keeping his own counsel as Mrs. Cranshaw was for being a revolving bitch. He was also, Tyler recalled as he craned his head up and up and then up again, the single most massive guy Tyler had ever met. He looked more like a mountain than a human being.
Oh, look how manly and awesome he is! Totally different from that bitch that like to make small talk from before! They talk about how humble and awesome Haselbauer is and how the Evil Aliens can listen to cell phones, even ones that are off with their magitech. And finally Tyler got his precious syrup and is ready to make the deal with the Good Aliens.
The deal goes all right and Tyler even manages to get back the Venus de Milo and a bunch of paintings in exchange for a jug of Maple Syrup. Can you even sell these pieces of art in the first place? Aren’t they national treasures, protected by the law? And again, the Alien that supposedly has done research in human culture think that the Venus De Milo is “Folk Art”, but will lick the boots of the guy that did the super-awesome-comic.
The chapter ends with Tyler selling all the magic chips he got from the aliens and becoming the richest person on Earth. So, next chapter we can have all that “action packed Scifi” That the cover promised, right?