Originally Posted by Scott R. Forshaw  I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability [-- don;t think you need this].The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power I like the image -- another word for 'against'?. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.
Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs, and thrust my way inside. My stomach churned as I entered, sickened by the overwhelming intensity of their disturbing and ominous thoughts. It felt like I was swimming in treacle, surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths. You've got some lovely description here but I wondered about the 'x and y' pattern -- e.g. disturbing and ominous/ torment and drown/ oppressive and murky -- I like them but all together in the same paragraph, I started to wonder
I gasped, fighting for air as my lungs began to contract beneath the pressure. Part of me knew it wasn't real – my physical body wasn't really trapped within their hellish subconscious– my mind, however, was going to take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact. -- don't think you need this
My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth not sure about describing vomit as 'sickly' since, you know, by definition it is -- must say I missed that the first few times I read it, though. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it. ok - I don't know if I like the last sentence or think it's a bit much. It's neat but it reads as... arrogant? cliched? I'm guessing, though, there's context.
Thoughts idled by, thick as mud, unnatural and disturbing. I shuddered – they were far from anything I'd ever witnessed, different in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. They filled my mind with dread, and made my muscles spasm with anxiety as their deviant energies festered and stagnated around my own. unnatural and disturbing/ festered and stagnated -- just being annoying and pointing out the pattern
I took a deep breath, and began to probe, my body trembling as I did -- don't think you need. A sudden sense of overwhelming fear I felt the fear was a little over-described -- but just a little -- plus with 'burst' I don't think you need 'sudden'burst into my mind. They were afraid, petrified of what was happening to them, of how their lives had been thrust into danger. The Source, an item of unimaginable power, had been taken from right under their noses cliche?, and there was nothing they could do about it.
got to go! hope that helps
Confusion flickered in the deepest echelons of their subconscious. How could something be so strong? So incredibly powerful, that even the finest Elven warriors had been powerless to overcome it? They knew they had to try to fight it, to destroy it –but how? How could they wage war against something so dangerous? And especially when they didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was. |