Originally Posted by Hex
I'm afraid I don't have time for a full critique, but I wanted to say that I like the story here -- I found it interesting and engaging and I like that I have guesses about what's happening without being sure. I thought the teachers came over well and distinctively, and the random violence of school was good as well.
A couple of things struck me: first, like Bowler, I think some of the dialogue isn't quite right yet -- it's just tweaking but sometimes people speak in a rather strange way (not always, though, I thought the dialogue between the girls worked well); second, I think this piece could be tightened -- the bit where she's up against the case, for example, might be a tiny bit shorter, and I wasn't sure what the visit to the classroom added -- why couldn't they just be summoned as they're about to go into class or something? Third, I sometimes found it hard to tell who was speaking. Does your narrator have a name? I guess it has been introduced before?
Generally, though, as I said above, I enjoyed the excerpt. I want to know what happens and I'd read on.
1.) I'm glad you liked it.
2.)I... rather me and my friends usually talk like this but I can fix it to sound I don't know more like she has a southern accent just by how she says her words.
3.)The class visit was because in my school on exam days you have to first go to breakfast, if you want it, then go straight to your class where you will take your exam. The narrator thought that maybe since a teacher didn't get involved with the fight, they wouldn't need to go to the office.
4.)The narrator's name is Maritza.