Re: Part of a chapter in Doomed (1400 words more or less)
I stare at thetrophy case. There’s something here I’ve never noticed before. The two trophiesseem to be mocking me, I can imagine one of them saying, “Haha… you can’t be onthis team. It doesn’t exist anymore. Haha.”
The opening linewas difficult for me; I’m not sure what it says even after reading the wholepiece. I suspect you’re sharing something important with the reader but I havenot made any connections.
There was a lot of information on thetrophy’s which could be trimmed down. I am left wondering why the dates areimportant; I think this is the point but it felt overworked.
A hand shoves meface first into the glass. People turn and stare. I can’t see them but I canfell feel their eyes on me. It’s unnerving. Why aren’t they doinganything? “Mrphy met me momoggo…” I try talking.
“Ouch, let me go!” I jerk forward. Her grip tightens. I stomp on her foot. Shesqueals and lets me go. I turn to run. Her friends intercept me this intercept felt wrong - her friends grab me and push me back into waiting arms, in their eyes I could see relief, they’re glad it’s me this time – a poor example but more feeling is needed Fishii. They pus push. I end up back in her waiting arms.She cackles. Herf arms lock around my throat.
A lot of the dialogue has been stiltedand feels forced, this slows the pace a lot. A lot of missing emotion, your character has recovered well from her attack, too well maybe?
“NO but we can.It’s weird those trophies were moved to storage many years ago. Jamie is inmajor trouble, but you were just defending yourselves. You may go. Good luck onyour exams.”
This is the section is a good example offorced dialogue. Say it out loud and ask yourself, would anyone really say this?
Sorry Fishii, it felt very choppy and I was not engaged with the characters. The dialogue in this section could easily be twice as long to convey what it is you’re trying to say. While the first three trophy sections could easily be one section. Missing background, what was the heads office like,is the school modern/tatty etc. The exam room, is this full or empty, large or small, you have not told us.