Editing report

[brian]

A few months back I e-mailed reputable UK agents for recommendations for freelance SF editors.

Jeremy Sheldon was one of the names recommended, and I eventually chose to send the first three chapters of "Emperor" to him for appriasal.

What follows is what I received back.

If you'd like a freelance report on your own work, Jeremy Sheldon can be e-mailed at: jeremy.sheldon@yahoo.com

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REPORT ON "EMPEROR" BY BRIAN TURNER

Novel * Science Fiction * pp55 * Report by Jeremy Sheldon (25-2-03)


Brian, to come straight to the point, I thought this manuscript was very well written and hit pretty much all the objectives it needed to over these first fifty or so pages. I will try and itemize some of these as well as raise a few issues for the future.


1. Language
It needs acknowledging that this genre of sci-fi writing eschews fanciful metaphor-laden descriptions and vague contemplative emotional language in favour of the kind of crisp, confident and effective prose that you seem to be able to produce seemingly effortlessly. I felt this story had a confident rhythm on every page so far, whether it was dealing with female of male characters, peaceful or aggressive characters, quiet situations such as the scenes in the Jeridian monastery or situations of conflict and danger such as in the scene taking place during the attack on the University Campus. It was always well-paced and when you do use descriptive language, you do so effectively, implying the majesty of deep space for instance in a few skillfully-chosen phrases before getting on with the important job of introducing and developing your characters and their dramatic situations.

I especially liked the use of words such as "vector" and "vortices" and other similar words that communicated more than the sum of their logical meanings and yet sounded entirely plausible nonetheless (this is an integral part of generic sci-fi writing technique, much demonstrated by the writers of Star Trek with their "ion fluxes" and "positronic matrices" etc.). You also include a lot of wonderful details about the fantastic worlds that you are depicting (these sections, sections such as the passage on p7 where you describe the transmitters Tuellian and Arlissa are positioning, increase our sense that the world we are reading about is plausible and coherent) and you are also very good at establishing atmosphere whether it is the disorientation your characters feel at the beginning on Arionis IV or the tranquility of the concerted spiritual growth that occurs at the Jeridian monastery.

This having been said, I would also urge you to watch out for a few lazy repetitions that slipped through your editorial net (for example on p44, you repeat verbatim some descriptive language already used elsewhere and the spell you are managing to cast over your reader wavers a little. )


2. Characterization and Point-of-View
There was lots of intelligent use of point-of-view all over this manuscript. Your handling of it in this novel is superb so far. You write in the 3rd person, but are very clear at any point in the text as to whose consciousness you're placing your reader inside. Yet also, at the same time, you manage to also capture with your clever use of direct language and italics not only the immediacy of your characters' thoughts, feelings, dilemmas and reactions but also the sense that some of these characters are able to communicate outside of verbal language. Now, in a general sense, this isn't a story that so far brings a tremendous number of innovative and highly original concepts to the sci-fi table and seems to be in fact more a human story about people and feelings and relationships and freedom rather than about the future per se or about technology or some other high concept. But one of the most interesting things about this novel is your concept of a society with a better developed sense of empathy than ours (consider your interesting and somewhat extended examination of this around p24) so the fact that you manage to express something about this theme in the flow of your prose is something you can take much satisfaction from.

And this good use of p-o-v goes hand-in-hand with good characterization. Moments such as the scene where you establish the bond between Alsha and Deminar work because these characters live and breathe in your mind. You supply engaging details (the ritual of Deminar and Alsha's greeting, for instance), show us elements of their personality and behaviour that we as readers can identify with. And you manage to maintain the powerfully seductive flow of their interior voices, these capturing their desires and their vulnerabilities in a rewarding amount of complexity. These characters may not be the deepest characters in the history of literature. But they are far, far away from being the cardboard cutouts that so many aspiring sci-fi writers churn out endlessly. And none of this is a surprise for me for it is my opinion that coherent use of p-o-v is at the heart of strong characterization and vice versa in any genre of writing


3. Using The Force
I would suggest that you need to be a little careful about being too derivative. I concede immediately that sci-fi continually borrows from itself, especially within the very mainstream genre within which you have decided to write. And you must be already be aware that your Jeridian Knights resemble the Star Wars mythos' Jedi Knights in many ways. I am glad to be able to tell you that you manage always to add enough of your own inspiration thus far so as to colour what you've borrowed from other stories as something original and worth thinking about in its own right (again, your very interesting ideas around p24 are an example of this). So I offer you a short caveat now and leave it at that: be careful - this is hard line to walk successfully and one can easily become too derivative before one has realised.

Also, on pp8-9, you list names and places and things that we don't know about yet - the Sarine Navy, a system Ephor, a terradome governed by a nascent dyararchical regime. Make sure that this isn't empty namedropping and that you develop and even resolve many of the expectations these interesting words/names raise or risk leaving your reader ultimately feeling deceived rather than flattered.


4. "Something needs to happen...and it needs to happen now!"
So far this story offers the reader a series of establishing sections, each section essentially introducing one of the overall story's constituent "factions" or constituent groups of main characters. To put it another way, there are already some moments of suspense in this section - these generated by the cliffhanger at the end of the Prologue, the attack on the University Campus later on and Master Rufellus's gloomy vision on p55 - but mainly this section sees you initiating storylines on their long journey towards the end of the book. We have Tuellian and Arlissa on the red moon; we have Xerios and Marla; we have Shirine and Uellias; we have Alsha and Deminar; we have Ariola and Nemestor; we have the mystical figure of Master Rufellus. Each of these groups represents its own plot strand (so far, at any rate; many of these will not just simply cross with each other but become combined plot strands as some of the characters inevitably join forces). This is fine but I would suggest that this is as many plot strands that this story can probably hold together successfully (I am pretty sure you now this already) and that over the next fifty pages, each of these plot strands must take at least one recognizable step forward or you risk boring the reader (again, I am pretty sure that you know this and have anticipated this).


5. Conclusion
And that's all I can really say for now. To put it simply, you've written this first section very well and everything seems to be on track for a compelling mainstream sci-fi epic that might be something altogether more satisfying than the normal generic space sagas that so many are writing. Whether you manage to develop this great start into something that finishes as well as it begins is something that I cannot say at this point. I hope my comments have been helpful.


Jeremy Sheldon Freelance Editorial Services: jeremy.sheldon@yahoo.com

[Mark Robson]

I'd be delighted with a report like this! How far are you with Emperor? I haven't read any more than the Prologue so far, but I thought it was a very solid start.

[I, Brian]

Darn little writing, I'm afraid. This year I've had a new baby and started self-employment. My life now exists solely around keeping ahead in the rat race. Not pleasant.

The editing report is more of a friendly crit, than anything - it raised important points about avoiding looking derivative, which I addressed. Really, before submissions, I should really pay for line editnig on the first 3 chapters at least, to help remove any clumsy grammar and polish what works.