[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by juelz4sure

Hope you like it

***revised***

The old man sat at the far end of the desk looking deep into Desmond,

Comma splice

chills ran up Desmond’s spine as Celtare held his breath with anticipation. Slowly,

Would you really make a pause here if you were reading this out loud? If not you don't need a comma

his eyes shifted from blue to brown then to a bright green before he exhaled. “I believe it is your destiny to know that which is even beyond you,” he said

Comma

as beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face. “A storm is coming… That much I am sure of,” he said

Comma

nodding to himself, pleased. With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out a small glass, placed it on the desk before him. “Grentel” he muttered to himself as

If the word is responsable for the filling, (which the later refill suggests) it's not really "as", is it? More "and".

the glass filled with a yellow liquor.

“In the beginning there were the Great Ones… countless beings, so much

So many? Or, if you want a comparitive to "countless", "so much so that…"

that even the stars in the night sky do not come close. We existed in a realm beyond your understanding,

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there was a war which took place over a thousand years. In the end we destroyed our realm and everything that was important to us, forcing us to wandered space

All right, this is just me, but "space" is local. He comes from outside our local cosmos. Some suitably mystic term like Forcing us to wander the planes of existence", properly vague. Oh, and that is "to wander", not "to wandered"; the infinitive does not have a past form.

in search for a new home to call their own.” He raised the small glass to his mouth, his eyes a glossy white as if reliving the events. “Some found small worlds while other found small meteorites to call home. Smaller worlds shattered before some of us like particles of dust which we devoured so that we could grow stronger and larger. Eventually a distant star shone bright through the many cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future, and believe me it was beautiful! Life… It was just beyond our reach but it was there,”

That, as there is no direct speech attribution, is a period.

thoughtfully he leaned back in his chair running his hands through his thinning hair.

“Order was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. For once there was peace between the Great Ones, even the smaller worlds were excepted

accepted, I suspect. They were not made an exception of.

as equals. Eventually the star began to fade and with it our order crumbled. The dream of life also faded with the light” slowly Celtare got to his feet and begun to pace the room, empty glass in his hand

Period.

“Grentel” he mumbled again. “Before, we had never known happiness therefore we

had

never missed it, but to lose it was unthinkable. Leaving us in darkness,

Why the uppercase "S"? But I don't really understand the significance of the "leaving us in darkness". Surely the ones who wandered off were in darkness too?

Some

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of course

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wandered off with faint hope of discovering the origins of the light. Many reverted back to the old ways of destruction,

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explosions erupted throughout the darkness as worlds were destroyed.

After countless worlds fell before us there was a emptiness within us. Slowly we moved farther from each other

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shrinking deeper and deeper into ourselves,

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many of us fell into a deep slumber while others lost what was left of their mind,

Why is this not a new sentence, new paragraph, new chapter. Suddenly everything is changed, and you put it in continuity with the explanation of the decay due to loss.

when an unexpected eruption of light exploded violently… We

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the Great Ones

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were alive again. Lost dreams flooded into our thoughts and we no longer drifted aimlessly, we grew stronger. Eventually we began to turn on each other

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fighting to be close to the blinding light in

Possibly "of"?

the forming galaxy. Those that were weak fell before us pleading for mercy but war, I mean true war

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could not be avoided. We fed upon each other

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absorbing every element they possessed, while others crumbled into shards of what they once were. War continued for thousands of revolutions around the Bright One, which you call the Sun. That is until the first form of life in our galaxy was found on Jupiter; It was no larger than a speck of sand moving along he clouds of Hydrogen, feeding upon Helium gases floating throughout the atmosphere.

Life amongst us, “

Quotation marks attatched to dialogue, please. And the end of the first bit of dialogue should be a period, despit it not being a complete sentence, unless you want to modify it to something like "said Celtare, taking a deep swallow of…" Adeep swallow? You said it was a small glass, and I was imagining a shot glass sort of size.

Celtare took a deep swallow of the yellow liquor,

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there was a subtle sadness in his eyes when he looked up at Desmond again “was a dream long forgotten, yet here

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before us all

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was life! Greed consumed some of my brothers and sisters

Just a comma? something like "into"

destroying that precious life. Some of us fought for order, while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home breaking it into two

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ripping my essence… my very soul, that’s why I stand here old and decrepit.

When my home was struck and my essence was ripped into three; leaving us with the Celtare, Lunastra and Iriata.

Believe it or not, that's a fragment. When something happened, what were the consequences? Well, yes, "we were left with three…" And you don't need tat semicolon, save it for one of the comma splices.

Lunastra currently resides upon the moon

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which is why the moon has such influence on the workings of this planet. Iriata is bound to the lost world, long exiled to the outer reaches of the galaxy

Comma, and consider restructuring the end, so the vengeance is not tied to the binding, but the return.

but it will return one day because we are bound to each other, bringing nothing but vengeance.

When Forelith fell upon this world he wasn’t strong enough to destroy me and I

I think the comma should go here, but perhaps before the "I". Read it out loud, and feel where you put the pause.

being ripped apart, I was too weak to consume him. We have been fighting for millenniums

millennia

for complete control over this world. For the time, Forelith

Three "for" sounds in too close proximity.

rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hatred and consumed by fire formed from our merging. There are many that follow him and his ways

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causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that would oppose him. He moves in the shadows, fearful to show himself but his time will come, as it will for all!

As you know I am Celtare. Many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth”; Mother Earth is the closest but as you can see I am no woman,” he said smiling in spite of himself. “Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the seven is of my making… Reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.” Celtare sat the glass down on the desk in front of me and pulled his seat beside me.