This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy
I'll have a go... Origins
The old man sat down I don't think you need down
on the far end of the desk looking deep within how?
Desmond holding his breathyou need a comma before holding. Also, as it's written, it could be either holding their breath.
. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown Again, this could be either. he is looking at Desmond... so I'm a bit confused.
eventually to green before finally exhaling before finally exhaing. "I... The reason I've done it this way rather then a comma is that exhaling doesn't really seem to be a dialogue tag, more somthing he might do and then speak. Although I don't like that either, he needs to breathe in.... You can see how this will take a reader out of the story? Which is it?
” I believe it is your destiny to
know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the
players.comma, the sentence doesn't end until he's nodded to himself.”
he said nodding to himselfcomma; read this out loud; there is a pause, I think.
pleased. With a sigh he opened the
bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses andyou have two ands, I would replace the first with a comma
them on the desknew sentence. grentelshouldn't this be in speech? he says it out loud.
he muttered as the glasses filled
instantly with a yellow liquor.
“Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a
concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s own little world,
playground if you willI'd put a comma here
to do as they wished with,and a full stop her.
or anyone for that
mattercomma? would have had?
seen us you would have said we were wandering
aimlessly throughout the dark void.” He raised the small glass up to his
mouth, his eyes were I'd lost the were for a better flow
a glossy white as if reliving the events,full stop; you closed the dialogue with a full stop, to use a comma here means it runs on from that full stop.
shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring
to be us yet they are no more… this last sentence changes tenses so often I found it hard to follow. "Worlds shatter before us, as though the particles of dust before us desired to be us. Yet, they are no more. (try reading it out loud, that's how I catch a lot of my tense shifts.
Distant stars shone brightly throughout
the cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future if
you will, and believe me it was beautiful!” Sitting back in his chair he
began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through
his thinning hair. nice human characterisation.
Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and
move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet
happiness, true happinesscomma
was a fleeting memory. Design and structure
fell to the waist sidedidn't know what a waist side was.
happiness is a funny thing,something stronger here, semi colon or full stop.
we had never known
therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched
the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memoryfull stop.
got up - delete?
to his feet, and began pacing the roomcomma
glass empty grentel
he mumbled againfull stop and then capital A
“a painful memory. Some of us leftfull stop or semi colon
others descended upon others fighting for supremacy, darkness
was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far
from our brothers and sisters.
After countless cycles there was an unexpected eruption of light…
We the Great Ones were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we
grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but
war, I mean true warcomma - that's like a little statement or aside of its own.
could not be avoided. We fed upon each other comma
absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of
what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what
you call Jupiter,semi colon
it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the
clouds of hydrogencomma
feeding on other like creatures.
Life beyond uscomma
” tears flowed down the old man’s face,” was a dream
long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of
our brothers destroying that precious life,I'd use a full stop.
some of us fought for structure
circling around you could lose
the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down
upon my home breaking my home it? saves repetition
two, along with my essanance.
That is why I stand here old and decreptidedecrepit?
, the envy of all others.
Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I comma
apartcomma - again, if you read it out loud, you'll find it's a seperate stanza.
weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the
realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire
formed from usour?
merging. There are many that follow him and his ways comma
causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that
oppose him. He moves in the shadowscomma
fearful to show his selfcomma
but his time
will come as it will for all.
As you know I am Celtare, many before you have called me
“God” or even “Mother Earth”comma, or leave out the although and use a semi colon?
although the last is the closest
as you see I am no woman, “he laughed to himself”? I don't understand this.
the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile
planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as
they are, yet even death can be tamed.