Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles: forums - View Single Post - The Survivor - sci-fi (Chapter 2) Part 2

crystal haven · 19th March 2012, 01:10 PM

Hello Flugel Meister,

I keep thinking of your story - you have created some good images in my mind, which stayed with me.

I feel though, in many ways, you are almost trying too hard to get this desolation across to me. I would have liked to feel his emotions, rather than being told. For instance, I don’t think you need, in the first paragraph: ‘And that was a problem.’ I would have preferred to work this out for myself, from the actions and feeling he has.

His feelings were shown well with this sentence: ‘... and then pulled out my wallet to stare at the photos of my family.’ This works much better for me, than being told he had personal concerns about his wife and daughter. The sentence about his mobile: ‘The screen was cracked...’ is another sentence I liked very much.

The paragraphs I found to be a bit long. It is a lot of writing in one go and I don't think you need it all, but I enjoyed being told about Princes Street and how it had changed.

I hope this helps a bit.

19th March 2012, 01:10 PM	#3 (permalink)
crystal haven Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: North Yorkshire Posts: 475	Re: The Survivor - sci-fi (Chapter 2) Part 2 Hello Flugel Meister, I keep thinking of your story - you have created some good images in my mind, which stayed with me. I feel though, in many ways, you are almost trying too hard to get this desolation across to me. I would have liked to feel his emotions, rather than being told. For instance, I don’t think you need, in the first paragraph: ‘And that was a problem.’ I would have preferred to work this out for myself, from the actions and feeling he has. His feelings were shown well with this sentence: ‘... and then pulled out my wallet to stare at the photos of my family.’ This works much better for me, than being told he had personal concerns about his wife and daughter. The sentence about his mobile: ‘The screen was cracked...’ is another sentence I liked very much. The paragraphs I found to be a bit long. It is a lot of writing in one go and I don't think you need it all, but I enjoyed being told about Princes Street and how it had changed. I hope this helps a bit.