Originally Posted by The Judge
I don't mean to be patronising -- this is a genuine question -- how important is correct grammar and punctuation in script-writing?
Jeez, Tarantino is a film-making genius in some respects, but read his scripts and you'll find a fair scattering of spelling mistakes and the man doesn't know the difference between his your/you're's.
But he's no doubt deep enough into the industry to get away with that lark.
Annnnyway, onto the script. I liked the first bit a lot, especially how you open it. a great first line to hook us in. The rest of the conversation continues to be so. Not enough to really let us know what they're talking about (which they wouldn't -- they know, they wouldn't say more than they need to). Well, there are a couple of lines that are maybe a bit too heavy, like the using the joint to drown out her voice. I like the intent behind it, I think it's just a bit too forthright. But I really like subtext and I'd hide even a simple hello behind different meanings if I could!
I'm the other direction to Springs, though, I'd like a bit more in the business. I realise that my own work needs to cut down a little, but at the same time, I think we still need something
. So I'd like a little something to show us how
we know someone's looking subservient, or loyal.
The bit I have a bit more problem with is the car point (on a side note, I heard Irish accents on them all immediately). You've made it clear that it's something that happens a lot. A repeated occurrence. So it's unlikely they'd say the things you have them saying. "Oh, I'll point out that we're doing that thing that you already know we do everyday" (OK, it's not as bad as that, but hopefully you see what I mean!) You were doing a fine enough job showing it's a repeated thing just through their actions -- Jaccinder knowing exactly how to stand and everything.
Here is a definite winner of a scene where you could bring out the subtext. I think it could work a lot better if you have them actually talking seemingly pleasantly to each other, or at least swapping small talk, but drop in enough to create an underlying tension -- obviously none of them are friends, but they're keeping up a front. Jaccinder saying enough to get through, curt and abrupt, whereas the Sergeant could be positively chatty, revelling in the fact that she's obviously peed off. I don't really like the "your family's trouble" and "remember how we killed your dad?" -- again, it's something the characters already know and feels too exposition-y. If you want to show that they consider the whole family troublesome, get the sister involved. From an audience point of view, you've said she's young, she's been silent throughout the scene, she seems the most unlikely to cause trouble, so if the guards are hassling her
then it's alerting us to something deeper.
I like the throwing up of the fingers as they leg it!
I think the tv report is a perfectly valid way of giving us some back history and setting up this alternative place. Definitely a hell of a lot better than having someone sit down and explain it all! Although it seems this is a tv series? So you may well have the opportunity to filter in all of these kinds of details as programme progresses. Which you're probably doing anyway, considering they'll no doubt make the backdrop to all the action!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, love the opening, hooks you in nicely, the middle bit could just do with some tweaking.