My Poem/Prophecy...Any Good?

[tonic]

Ok this is a poem/prophecy that is said in my novel just wondering if it sounds good, any comments would be appreciated.

“ Through Pain and Shadow we will watch
When the rightful one comes from the light
And sets his sovereignty aright.
The emerald hawk will go through pain
Losing friends and foes in this sad game.
Betrayal will come from those he knows
Leaving him to drown in all his woes
But failure cannot overcome his heart,
Lest the world’s being be torn apart.
The circlet of power cannot be destroyed
Since it is the key that must be deployed
Though evil a being as one may seem
None know the plot in it’s greater scheme
The circle of power must rest on his head
When the sun has turned the deepest of red
If the sun has made this profound transition
Without the prophecy coming into full fruition
Then all is lost and darkness will reign
While defeat tips the scales in this sad game."

It might sound like something you know but this is only the first of many of these. If you want me to explain it further just ask. Plus you'll get it better if you read my prologue but it's not needed and this mainly speaks for itslef.

[I, Brian]

I have to admit that the poem does read a little forced - like you're trying to reduce the whole ethos of the novel into just a few lines. Whilst there's nothing particularly wrong with that in itself, the issue of forcing comes from insisting on using rhyming verse. This is made all the more difficult because you seem to be trying to use some form of oral pattern of speech and presentation in the poem, rather than use literary meter. And as it's the literary form people will be faced with, there's a potential conflict between what you actually intend to say, and how the erader will perceive it.

I think to explain this more clearly I'm going to recommend you try something a little daring:

I want to recommend that you take the same poem above, and rewrite it without any rhyme.

I want to see you explore the literary form in all its expressiveness, and see you really connect your story together with it in that way.

Trying to rhyme stumbles over the meter - if you make it non-rhyming then I think meter is no longer an issue as it'll read more naturalistic.

Keep the first two sentences, and explore the most expressive ways of rewriting all that follows. See what you end up with. My personal feeling is that you could end up with something that will surprise you.

If you're game for it, of course - and if you are, please do post it here.

[knivesout]

Well, it sounds good when I read it aloud...

A couple of lines didn't quite make sense to me, so I will just quote those:

Lest the world’s being be torn apart.

and although I understand this one the construction seemed a little awkaward:

Though evil a being as one may seem

Finally, the word 'profound' in the 4th line from the end seemed just a bit...cheesy? It does have the right sense, but somehow it just seemed too obvious a choice, to me.

I hope it doesn't seem as if I'm just ripping into your work - these are just passing points, and I enjoyed the poem itself quite well - it has a very sonorous feel, quite apt for a prophecy. Although trying it without restriciting yourself to a rhyming pattern, as Brian suggested may work even better...

[Myla Starchild]

Very cheesy, but, in my opinion, that's how a prophecy should be. Also well written with excellent rhymes.

[mzarynn]

I am not a writer but I will do my best to help.

You use many beautiful words in your prophecy and when I heard the outcome discribed as a "sad game" I just didn't feel it fit into your poem. Maybe it's the word "sad." I don't know.

I was also wondering if the time period of the prophecy mattered whether you put the saying "tip the scales" into it.

I did enjoy reading your poem and I hope you post any revisions you make to it.

[littlemissattitude]

I agree with Brian's suggestion to try it without rhyme. The content is good, in my opinion, in that it sounds like a prophecy - but at the same time the rhyme scheme makes it sound a bit too much like a Nostradamus clone. Maybe that was what you were going for, but it would be my recommendation that you try to stay away from that sort of reference. The reader is much too likely to think, "That sounds like Nostradamus", which will pull them out of the story, which you do not want to happen.

Just my two cents.

[tonic]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate every comment posted and I'll try to use it to the best affect. I know the rhyming was pretty cheesy but I needed to start soemwhere, now I can make appropriate modifications Ill repost when everything is fixed up.