Originally Posted by AMB
I would suggest that tomorrow came far too soon. Quickly already puts me in mind of a rush, which doesn't help with the perception of pace. Also, the alarm clock sentence feels unfinished. Perhaps add the word ringing? Or not. Totally up to you.
'Quickly' in the bathroom scene? She's just seen a dead person so wants to get the hell out. Will ponder the alarm clock, ta.
Originally Posted by J Riff
He's still dumping (out) that bottle...
But the word 'out' isn't there. He's not emptying the contents, the bottle's already empty.
Originally Posted by Hex
The only thing that made me pause meaning-wise was wondering why Ambrose was reading the back of the bottle.
He's going to be one of those irritating people who read the ingredients of everything to check that it's not got too many calories or e-numbers or whatnot.
From 'One of the lights...' I thought that section was fantastic --beautifully written, familiar and really shocking (boom! boom!). |
I loved Jenn -- I love the way she thinks (and keeps getting distracted by the internet). This sentence made me pause a tiny bit:
'She grinned to herself, knowing that she was acting like a love-struck teenager.' -- I'm not sure why exactly but it felt a little like overkill -- you've got her so clearly acting like a lovestruck teenager and then this spells it out (I know that she realises it that's the point, but I still sort of stumbled over it).
The rest of it I liked lots. The only other thing I hung up on was this: 'The blood on the floor didnít even register until she almost slipped over' -- so I wondered about 'she almost slipped over'. Not sure why (again) but perhaps it was the 'almost'. Would it work to say: 'The blood on the floor didn't even register until she slipped.'?
I'm also wondering what's going on. Is the Jenn bit earlier than Ambrose's death? or doesn't she know? Has it somehow not appeared in the news yet?
Ta very much.
I think you're right about that 'almost.'
Originally Posted by springs1971
I liked it better this time, Mouse; less self absorption. The dripping elbow and the light does give it a way a little for me; I immediately think he's going to die, but maybe that's okay.
Springs and Hex, Ambrose doesn't die. Well... he changes
. I'm not sure yet whether he did actually die and now he's sort of undead, or whether this change that occurred stopped him from actually being dead. Does that make sense?!
So he's not a vampire or werewolf or zombie, but he is now, after the incident, something else. The next chapter is from his POV.