I like 'em. The words, that is. Nary a grammatical error in sight, and an opening that garners enough interest to want to read on. I like the narrative voice very much; even with no description of the narrator, I have a clear picture in my mind of the old guy - a cross between Clint Eastwood and Roland Deschain. Not sure if you intended him to be Indian, but for reasons known only to my brain, he didn't come out that way. I guess it's the years of stereotyping of ranchers as white guys, in the movies...
So, I'm only left with nitpicks. Here's a couple:
A half century since that bloody night which sticks with me like a bad dream that doesnít go the way of morning forgetfulness. Sometime on the morrow Iíll turn seventy five years old. Iím pretty sure that this will be my last birthday. |
The first sentence is a bit clunky, and I had to read it twice to get its full meaning. The language you use fits the narrator ( I hear it kind of laconic...) but I'm wondering if it might be better as: A half century since the bloody night which sticks with me like a bad dream that won't go the way of morning forgetfulness.
Or even: A half century since thebloody night which sticks with me like a bad dream that won't go away.
I underlined the that
because you use it quite a lot. The second sentence would not lose anything if you lose the word. Iím pretty sure this will be my last birthday.
Many Indians believe that there is a giant tortoise riding in the night sky, with thirteen divided sections on its hardened carapace, each plate carrying a different moon. As the seasons turn so does the tortoise, and so changes the light that he shines down on our evening world. I find it strange that I was born under a wolf when Iím sure that it will be a bear that gets me in the end. |
I always wondered where the different moons came from... is this true, or your imagination? Whatever it is, I love the image. I think you could delete both of the underlined that's, as I'm not sure the narrator I have would use that word. Read it aloud and you may agree. And ignore it, if you wish!
I can see in this next sentence that you're trying to avoid using the word 'hope' twice, but I'm not so sure you hold out faith...
I had held out some faith over the years that my second shot had been the end of Black Bear and his kin, all the while knowing that my hope was false. |
And there's a small problem with tenses there: You're narrating in the past tense, which is working well, but why the 'I had
held'? linked with the 'had been the end' If you lose the first 'had', it's much better (IMHO!).
That's all I've got to say. Good work.