Originally Posted by The Bloated One  Hi everyone,
I am guilty of 'rushing' my stories, so in order to understand the problem better, I have a small piece from my story that probably needs more description, but where do I place it without it becoming heavy laden?
I hope that makes sense...
TBO
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The dining hall shook with the sound of thunder. A seventeenth century sedan chair crashed through the back wall and landed heavily on the floor before being submerged under a pile of plaster and rubble. No one in the hall moved. With a scrabbling noise, a hand poked through the debris. A face emerged, then the body of a naked, hairy man. His wide, beady eyes scanned the many faces in the room [until here I thought the opening was utterly perfect -- I love the way you can paint such a bizarre and interesting image] until, recognizing one, he let out a tortuous wail [for me, 'tortuous wail' didn't totally work. It might be that I got it mixed up in my head with 'tortured' or it might be that I'm not sure how a wail would be twisty -- anyway -- it pulled me out].
"Leonardo, Leonardo! EGO cannot puto is, est is vere vos?" he shouted in faltering Latin, and scrambled toward him [towards whom?]. Two men barred his way and he fell to the floor, babbling [I got lost among the 'him's and 'he']. The master painter stepped forward.
"I am Leonardo, who are you?"
The hairy man grasped the ankles of the nearest man and gawped at Leonardo through his legs, like a prisoner through cell bars. [because the hairy man is doing something right after the speech I got the impression he was the one speaking -- which confused me. Paragraph break after "...who are you?" ?]
"Your humble servant, Michel de Nostredame.”
Leonardo looked down at the prostrated, pitiful caveman and turned to a student, [full stop here because Leonardo isn't 'saying' or 'telling' etc.]
“Get him some clothes.” He then looked at the large hole in the fresco where Judas Escariot, Peter and Mary had been and pointed angrily at the wall. "I don’t care if you are the devil himself, you’ve just destroyed my Last Supper!" he said, shouting and throwing his hands wildly above his head. "Do you know how much it costs to hire a good model?" He jabbed a finger at the flaxen haired woman sitting dumbstruck on a wooden chair by his easel.
Nostradamus raised himself to his knees, shook himself down like a dog and pointed to the rubble.
"Please, my chair. I have books, many books!"
Leonardo angrily picked up a length of wood and walked toward the uninvited visitor. Several students restrained him. [lovely]
“Let me alone,” he shouted, glaring at the naked man cowering on the floor. [uhr... so I thought he was shouting at the naked man on the floor -- how about 'straining to reach the naked man...'?]
“No master, not until you have calmed down.” [from about here I think you could have snippets of description if you wanted them]
The student returned with clothes and the man was allowed to dress.
“let’s listen to the wretch’s story," said Leonardo, taking a deep breath, "then I’ll beat him.”
Leonardo squatted next to the man. "Where are you from old man?"
"The year of our Lord, 1550."
Leonardo seethed. He grabbed the wretch by his hair and dragged him to the door. “Put him on the street where he belongs. . .And get a mason in here, we need to rebuild the wall."
As he [the 'he's in this bit threw me again -- I know it's not Leonardo being dragged away, but that was the impression I got] was being dragged away, he screamed about his books and chair. A student close to the rubble saw a strange looking object on a piece of paper. He pulled it from the mess and ran to Leonardo.
"Bring him back,” said Leonardo, looking at a picture of a winged sausage shaped object with the word ‘Virgin Atlantic’ written on its tail, “and dig out his chair and books!”
Nostradamus, his sedan chair and his books were taken to Leonardo’s quarters. Leonardo demanded that they were not to be disturbed and food be left outside the door.
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