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Originally Posted by anthorn  Like this? |
Something like that.
In medias res, as they say. 'In the middle of things.'
Originally you had the ending as "Seven ways to die. Seven ways to die.
Die." and I meant to cut the last part (in red).
The second part (beginning with "It was snowing in February again, ... ") still drags. In fact, most of it seems like dead weight. What is the point of all that detail? Why are we being taken through his routine -- how does it move the story forward?
I am just trying to suggest ways to make your story seem more immediate. I think if this were mine I would be very critical of the second half, perhaps elaborating more on the ideas here:
"He was tired, had not slept much the night before, troubled by the illness overtaking his once active father and worried that the same thing would happen to him." and cutting everything else -- his dressing himself, the TV descriptions, brushing his teeth. Those details are all boring, and if they are not relevant to the story in some way they need to go.