| Re: Revenge
I think you have established a good mood and tone. It's easy to envision the setting and the action. Both Christian and Boneman have given you detailed critiques, so I'm just going to touch on a few things.
On the sentence,
The question was spoken without any emotion in the voice.
I agree with Christian. You don't need "in the voice," because if it's spoken, it has to be voiced.
This sentence,
He stood in the center of the tavern drenched from the storm and had being in the process of removing his cloak when the hooded man at the tavern’s counter spoke.
is too long and needs to be broken into two. Also,
He stood in the center of the tavern drenched from the storm...
is what's known as dangling modification. It's hard to tell if it's Greb Jordan or the tavern that's drenched. That should be tigthened. On a similar note, in a section this short, I'd refer to this character by one name, either Greb or Jordan. I had to remind myself that this was one person, not two different characters.
I'm also not sure what I'm supposed to make of Greb Jordan's character. At one point you say the Earl (meaning Jordan) did not lack courage, but his bowels loosen at the start of a fight, he has his men fight for him, he runs for a horse while they do the fighting, and apparently he has betrayed his prince for which he has only brief regret.
This is not exactly a sympathetic character. If your intention is to make the reader dislike Greb, you have succeeded in that. If the reader is supposed to identify with Greb, then I'd like to see him actually do something courageous. He can't both possess courage and then be filled with fear rising to hysteria as he runs away.
What you have here is a good scene and a good idea. I'd edit it for wordiness, clarity, and for characterization. Greb either needs to be a hero or a coward, right he's leaning towards the latter. I don't think he can be both simultaneously.
I hope this is useful and I wish you good luck with your story. |