Re: Short Action Piece
Ok then here we go!
From atop the North Tower Bluebeard looked on in horror as Milton threw his life and that of his men away. Below he could hear the thud of the ram as it battered (at) the gate behind him. This is going far too quickly, he thought. The arrival of the Kalnordians had thrown all his plans up in the air and now he was in danger of losing the battle. Before him(,) all along the length Catar(,) he could see units of Conerax soldiers converging on the central plaza. On the plaza itself Del Brioc had managed to gather enough men to form a ragged line and for now he seemed to have stemmed the tide of Kalnordians. But that could only last so long.(I normallly would not do this but since this is about pacing. I would put this sentence as an Italic Question 'But How long can that last?' He had but a couple of (take out) hundred men and the Kalnordians were feeding men in to the fight faster than the Conerax were arriving to bolster Del Brioc's battle line. He was giving ground, slowly, but he was being pushed back. The Kalnordians were widening the gap between the harbour and the Conerax.
Bluebeard could see the ships skimming across the river to take on Heskarians from the northern bank. It would not be long before they would have thousands of men assaulting the fortress from within. It was vital that Del Brioc push the Kalnordians back to the gate and out onto the jetty. Even from this distance he could hear the roar of the battle, the crash of steel on steel and the loud shouts of men trying to mask their fear.(loved this sentence) Below he heard wood splinter and he spun about.
“Report!” he roared to the far wall.
“The gate is breached,” a soldier cried back.
Men all along the tower wall began to redouble their efforts in casting missiles down on the Heskarians. Turning back to Catar, Bluebeard reflected that the god’s were really ******** on them now. He saw Del Brioc leap on to an abandoned cart; his coats of(could remove) mail tarnished with dark stains, and begin to wave his sword in the air. He was directing the arriving Conerax in to the shield wall and Bluebeard witnessed him bellow at a group of soldiers who formed a column and began to run off down a side alley. That’s it; flank the bastards, thought Bluebeard applauding the cool head and bravery of Del Brioc. He was an open target on the cart and missiles flew past him. Del Brioc ignored the danger to his self and continued to order the battle about him.
“The gate is down!” the cry went up.
Calmly Bluebeard walked to the centre of the tower.
“Lock the doors to the lower levels,” he ordered.
Lambert was below with two battalions and he had his orders. He would do what was needed.
Ok, Overall I liked it. I know there is a lot going on here that we don't as readers know about, but.. There is always that word. But in determining the pacing I need to kind of know why it is urgent. Maybe more of a sense of why the buildup. Dont get me wrong, I liked the pacing of the piece and I understood why you did it the way you did. I would like to see a little more emotional pressure later on. These are his men and friends dying. Something like where for ex- “Report!” he roared to the far wall.
“The gate is breached,” a soldier cried back. He recognized the voice of ... This had to work
Or something. It is well set in the beginning. But later where he he saw the men in the back alley, maybe a growl or a clenched fist to heighten the anxiety of the pacing. That's all I have to say. I liked it like I usually do. Everything is set. The people and scene has been laid down very well, we know who is where and why and what they are to be doing, and you told all of that very well for the upcoming scenes. I want to know what happens next!