Re: Another first chapter
Ok ctg: you helped me lot, so let's see if I can do same for you.
You don't need the 1st para. Start with:
Does the government ... I (asked) myself ... chairs bolted to ... protocol,then the geezer who came through that door was going to be ((sorry, I can't help you here -- but 'one of those handsome types' etc. doesn't cut it -- you need something more original here, right in the FIRST paragraph of your book?))
On to 2nd Para: Start with:
I was still trying to peer ... mirror, when the thick steel blast-door opened and through it ((try think of a more original word than 'stepped'?)) a pear shaped, balding, (nerdy?) looking guy with bad mouth hygene, who wore thick, square glasses and carried a thin, square briefcase.
Next para. Start with:
He looked at me for a moment: "Take a seat, please."
I sat down opposite the door, thinking ... get me. My interrogator shrugged and sat down before starting methodically to pull stuff out from ...
Next Para. Start with:
That bothered me a little bit. I guessed they weren't ... this interview be a brief; the 'authorities' on the other side ... really badly wanted to get to the bottom of what had happened to their world.
Yet I had to test it -- to test him (him in italic). I leaned back: "Can we get on with this?"
"Just a moment," he said.
He continued to sharpen his pencil to a needle point and then he carefully opened the first case-folder and started to go down the text with his pencil, item by item. Finally, after he had reviewed the page, he looked up and said: "Please state your name, your age and your former occupation?"
I looked straight back at him.
"Just for the record," he said.
"Of course love," I said: "My name, just for the record, is Jane McGriffen ...etc
That should hook? You can take it from there. Don't mean to interfere. I hope I have not altered the story, or your style, in any way. Thanks again for your valuable help with my own first chapter -- those all important first few pages ...
Last edited by RJM Corbet; 6th May 2011 at 06:04 AM.