Hi! How are you!?
Well, I think this can be a very good prologue, but this version needs work. You should add to it. It can be the very first idea
of this scene in your head, and now you have to add more descriptions, and probably some dialogs and then write them down. Don't go into details that are for/of the world you're putting down, because it would bore the readers. Instead try to put some common details to make the setting feel familiar.
What you need to do first, precisely, is to omit the stranger words; the words that only belong to your
story. Add some description (especially the beginning), and some dialogs that can give a very slight idea of why these guys are here, what they're after, or even whether they are allowed to be here or not. Something to give the reader a reason to read more.
Additionally, I'm gonna do a full preview for the first paragraph.
Originally Posted by Kiercoria99
Everyone stared as we rode into camp. (1) Hands froze mid-movement as if danger approached; conversations died on the breeze between lips and ears (4) ; 2) eyes followed our measured progress (5). Ka’Lexonur, my Ma’Aanar and one of the most esteemed Balancers, (6) nodded to those he passed. I kept my eyes straight ahead.
1) It's not giving me any ideas or feelings. I think it would be more real if you started the story with a more descriptive line; something about the weather, the setting, etc. plus an idea about who "everyone" is.
2) comma instead of semicolon
3) add 'and' OR 'as' instead of semicolon
2) put 'and' and omit semicolon
3) put 'as' instead of semicolon.
4) "conversations died on the breeze between lips and ears" The sentence doesn't match the other ones formally; I'd omit "on the breeze between lips and ears".
5) You said once that people are staring, now you repeat that in other words. I suggest omitting the first sentence in order to prevent repetition and also to start the story in a more attracting way.
6) We don't know what "Ma’Aanar" meas at this point. so when I read that, assumed Ma’Aanar is someone besides Ka’Lexonur. Also you write Balancer. You shout try not to put many new words together in the very beginning of the story; the readers would feel distant from the would you're trying to create for them. Keep it simple, then add your words one by one. So now I suggest you only write: "Ka’Lexonur nodded to those he passed, but I kept my eyes straight ahead"
You can out a semicolon instead of the "but" and comma I added.
I hope it was helpful, and I'd like to read the revised version.
(If there are mistakes in my full review, sorry in advance.