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Old 29th April 2011, 05:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
Kiercoria99
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Re: Innocence excerpt - (1296 words)

I also found this intriguing and found M's voice compelling.

In the final sentence, I'd change ask to tell - she didn't ask him to feed, she told him to. She doesn't seem like a woman who asks for much.

I also stumbled over "even his very soul." Maybe - even his soul should she desire it.
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