Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST
I would agree that this was an excellent story. I voted for it after all. You were most definitely right about changing "Kill me" to "Kill us." Kill me sounds more like death by cop than an attempt to change society by sacrifice.
I'm not sure I would have noticed the neat parallelism you suggest, but I would have been impressed if I had seen it. I am probably a bit slow in these kinds of things, but for me to notice it, I think you would have had to arrange the lines directly after one another. Unlike the first change, which I think you were dead on to do; this is a "fancy" one, which like Digs says probably is more an author than reader thing.