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Originally Posted by dreamwalker Some of the children broke conversation and just starred. |
Oops. Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker Her Nerves where as frail as her hair |
Not sure how hair can be frail, but it does paint the picture for me. Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker She was tripped. She stumbled a little but remained on her feet. She heard giggles but didn’t look around, just down, and continued to walk trying only to get to the corridors end... |
I really like this part. There's something in the way you constructed that sentence that really made me sympathise with Jadra. Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker She held them as she and turned around |
I think a word was missed after the "she"? Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker She dropped the pads and starred at the result of her wrath. |
Oops. Starred again. Should be "stared". Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker Teachers later came telling the children to get back and make room. |
Sounds a bit odd and detached. Maybe just change it to "came later"? Quote:
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Originally Posted by dreamwalker If any one wants to read the whole story so far i'll upload an html version on request! |
Yep, count me in. I like your story so far. You've done a great job of making Jadra a really interesting character. I've only a vague idea of plot, but Jadra is intriguing enough for me to want to know more. I'd love to read more.
