| | |
|
| |||||||
| Stargate Fan Fiction What would we do without fan fiction? It\'s a way for those so inclined to add a little something of their own, answer a question that has been nagging at them that wasn\'t addressed in one of the episodes, or offer another glimpse into the people and |
 |
| | Thread Tools |
4th January 2001, 02:58 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Odi et amo et- CRUCIO!  Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Manchester. UK. Or near as dammit.
Posts: 4,670
| Hey, ya gonna hate me, but if I didn’t write this I’d lose it. It means, go crazy... nuts... insane... bonzo... no longer in possession of one's faculties... three fries short of a Happy Meal... WACKO!! Go? Aren’t I already there? Hehehe. W’OK, what I bin doin, then, apart from murdering our fic… (as for a name, I’m thinking a song title? Oh, I’ve been on the Songbook too long, I’m seeing everything in rhyme and rhythm) Well, there IS the little thing of a spoof of Austin Powers, but as I dunt know if y’all likes it as much as we did (ah, my peers… spent ages saying ‘Laser Razer!’ and doing Dr. Evil impressions ‘Zip it!’. Did I tell you bout the piccie of me doing the lil finger on the Big One in Blackpool? Ahaha, that was fun  …)We also upset a lotta folks sayin ‘You got a WIDE LOAD, goddamn woman, you UGLEE!’ Dammit! I’ll go round doin that all day now… Weeellllllllllll, thought I’d share… 'S for you, Jsc. Jack: Daniel? What just happened? Daniel: I don't know... last thing I remember, we were getting ready to do another panto...ah... Jack: Did you just say the 'p' word? Daniel: Uh... Jack: DANIEL? Daniel: Um, well, traditionally the panto season lasts into spring and we had a few minutes and... Jack: I can't believe you! Why can't you just be a normal little archaeologist? Sam: Sir... I really think we should do something about this... this... Jack: Go ahead, say it. Sam: This, predicament. Jack: Predicament? Do you see what happened?! Am I the only one who can see this? Teal'c: I believe that Major Carter is referring to the huge daisy we are standing on. Jack: Ah! So I haven't gone mad! Sam and Daniel: ... Jack: Hey! Daniel: Hey, look, there's a script... Jack Powers, International Man of Mystery. Jack: I didn't just hear that, did I, Daniel? Daniel: The year, 1969. Dr. Te'vil is launched into space and cryogenically frozen. His arch-enemy, Jack Powers is frozen in the hopes that he would someday be able to destroy him. Jack: Daniel? (Waves hand in front of his eyes.) Danny? Can you hear me? Sam: It's no good, Sir... He just can't help it when he gets his narrator's hat on. Jack: I trust you are speaking metaphorically... Sam: No, I made him a little hat... Jack: Sweet. Just... peachy. Daniel: Uh, Jack... we have to freeze you now... Jack: No way! Daniel: It's in the script... Oh alright. We'll just make you a little chilly. Sam puts a bag of frozen peas on Jack's head. Jack: Brr! Handy, that, having a bag of peas handy. Sam: Well, we couldn't afford a cryogenic chamber, so we were just going to shove you in the military size freezer and we had to take these out to make room… Jack: You knew about this! All of you! You're ganging up on me! This ain't fair! Daniel: Oh that’s not true... it isn't anything personal... Jack: This REALLY sucks. We are now doing a rip-off of a rip-off. Daniel: Don't you find that an ironic statement about the film industry? Isn't it a sign of the times and a nifty artistic point? Sam: Actually, I thought it was just a neat way to rip-off the source, and all the original sources all at once, sort of Write One, Get Lots Free... Teal'c: I do not understand, what are we discussing? Jack: Enough with the chatting! These peas are cold, dammit! Daniel: Unfortunately, Te'vil's spaceship landed on a planet nearby and he was defrosted. This was a populated planet, so Powers was needed to stop him. First, they defrosted him. Sam takes off the bag of peas and blows a hairdryer at him. Daniel: Then they gave Jack his clothes to change into, as for some strange reason, he was frozen in combats and preferred his... uh... Jack: I am NOT wearing THOSE! Daniel: Just think of the top as... really weird dress uniform and the medallion as... dogtags... Jack: What are you wearing? You got into the spirit, didn't you? You're wearing flares and flower power stuff, aren't you? You hippie, you! Daniel: So the clever scientists at the SGC- the Super Groovy Command- manipulated the fluctuations in the gravitational field that had been caused by using microwave ovens too close to all the shiny medallions. Jack: Well, Carter, I'm assuming you wrote the last bit... Sam: Well, yes. Unfortunately, I can't remember if they had microwaves in the 60s. Daniel: We were going to ask you, you being the expert and all... but that would have spoiled the surprise. Jack: Grrrr. Daniel: So, they managed to create an effective form of transport to send our man to the planet. Teal'c: Is that not the Stargate painted pink? Sam: Don't forget the twirly, psychedelic plastic windmill in the middle! It took me hours... Jack: When I get out of the velvet suit, remind me to order you to get a life, Carter. Daniel: So they gave him some happy pills and he went on a little journey... Jack: Look, if you're going to do that, do it right, say 'Trip.' Daniel: But then some impressionable person might think that the large group of rich companies which own us endorse drug use, or that taking narcotics can lead to the sensation of going through the 'gate or... Jack: Look, I doubt anyone will go and turn into a mindless druggie cos you said the word 'trip.' Honestly, all this poncy political correctness and... Sam throws him through the 'gate. Daniel: A long and strange journey it was, though we cannot afford the effects, so you must just believe me when I tell you about the walrus. Strange, spaced out music is played, until the radio DJ cuts in and the stereo is switched off. Jack: Arggh!!! Don't do that to me, Carter! Carter?! Why are you wearing that dress? Sam (sulking): Daniel made me, he said I had to join in. Jack: Too right too! Daniel: Jack? Jack: Mmm? Daniel: Jaaaack? Will you stop staring at Ivana Countalot, please! Jack: I wasn't staring! Daniel: You were! You still are! Jack: Am not! Daniel: Anyway... Jack Powers and his assistant, Ivana Countalot found themselves on a strange new planet. Here, the ground was all squishy and there were weird flying things... Jack: You put me in the padded room, I can't believe it! Jack bangs his head on a dangly mobile. Jack: Oww…. Teal'c: Ahah! I have you now, Powers! You will not escape this time! Jack: No, please tell me that I don't see Teal'c dressed up in a grey... whatever. Hey, is that Schroedinger you're holding? Sam: Hey, you shaved him! That's not nice! Daniel: It's all in the pursuit of... well, not literature... Teal'c: Silence, fools! Minite'e, put them in the Unas tank. Jack: As opposed to a shark tank, I guess. Hey, you got that little Nox to be Miniyou? He looks nothing like you! Minitee the Nox bites Jack's hand and growls at them until they leave. Daniel: So our insip- er, intrepid explorers find themselves in a cave-full of Unas with no means of escape. How ever will they get out? Jack: As I am a super spy, no doubt I have a super-dooper utility belt, or some great gadgets to hand? Sam: Well, I was supposed to make them... but I had to rehearse and I had to make Daniel's props and.. Jack: So you're telling me it's a 'No' then. Sam nods. Daniel: Uh, guys? Don't you ever remember anything we do? Doesn't 'Unas' ring a bell? Jack: Butt ugly... tried to kill me and Teal'c... Hey, didn't you get chummy with one, once? Daniel: Bravo, bravura! Well done, Jack. I mean, I was missing for hours and you barely remembered! Jack: Hey, you know I have a mind like a fish for those things... hockey scores, however... Daniel: By some freak of nature, it was the same tribe I had met up with and the leader recognised Jack despite only seeing him for a few moments and hardly being able to distinguish between different ***es, never mind people as they were a strange race to them which is all pretty astonishing and points to... Jack: Enough! Just show us the back door! Unas: Here it is. Jack: I thought they couldn't speak... Daniel: Narrator's liscence. Now leave before they kill you. Jack: You do so not need to tell me twice. Daniel: Meanwhile, back at Super Grinch Command... Sam: It ain't Christmas anymore! Daniel: Well, YOU try and think of something beginning with 'G'! Teal'c: Buwahahahaha! Now I have killed Jack Powers, I am free to kill all the cute little fluffy bunny rabbits of PX7-123! Buwahahahaha! Behold, Minite'e, my Deaf Staff! Daniel: Uh... that sorta works... Teal'c: It is so named because it plays a tape of such mind-numbing lectures that all who hear it fall asleep and so can be vaporised by my staff! In order to prevent the humorous occurrence of me firing and falling asleep myself... I have protection! He brandishes a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs. Daniel: One wonders if such a thing happened before and that the earmuffs are a new addition... Teal'c: Danieljackson, I am unaware what these things are... Daniel: They're sorta like headphones... but fluffy. Teal’c: Ahh, is there a reason as to why a 'Super Evil Villain Bad Guy' would want to wear pink headphones? Daniel: Er... Maybe they are made with the skin of the fluffy bunny rabbits he so despises? Sam: That ain't nice! Daniel: Sam, by definition, 'Super Evil Villain Bad Guys' aren't nice. Anyway, maybe he had good reason to hate the rabbits, maybe they kept digging up his garden? Who knows what goes on in the minds of SEVBGs... Jack: That is another, really sad acronym. I mean, that one isn't remotely funny, it doesn't say anything! Daniel: It wasn't meant to, I was just tired of saying 'Sup...' Jack: OK, we get the picture. Teal’c puts on the earmuffs. Daniel: So, as Dr. Te'vil has now got on his rabbit-skin... Sam: Faux rabbit-skin... Daniel: ...Faux rabbit-skin mufflers, he does not hear Super-Spy-***-Symbol... Super-Spy-***-Symbol? Who's been messing with my script, Jack? Jack: What? Have you never seen the film? Daniel: Well, yeah, but I mean, *** symbol? You? Jack: What are you implying, pansy? Daniel: Pansy? Right, I am narrator, so you have just lost your mojo, whatever little you had! Jack: Right, that does it! Give me back my mojo! Daniel: Shan't! Jack: Shall! Daniel: Shan't! Jack: Shall! Daniel: Shan't, shan't, shan't! Sam: Honestly, you are just a pair of big babies! Daniel, give him back his mojo and apologise for insulting him. Sir, you apologise for messing with his script. NOW! Jack and Daniel (in very quiet voices): Sorry. Sam: I can't hear you! Jack and Daniel: SORRY! Sam: Better. Now Daniel, I believe you have some narrating to do. Daniel (sulkily): So Stupid-Spy Jack and his bossy assistant entered the huge room unheard. Despite Jack being a big oaf who can't keep his mouth shut. Jack: Grrr... Sam: Oh my, Jack, isn’t this place huge! Jack: Did you just…? Sam: You are playing ‘Jack Powers’, Sir, I could hardly call you ‘Colonel’. I’m in character. Jack: Shagadelic. (BEAT) What? I’m in character too! Daniel: Just as long as you don’t start saying ‘Do I make you horny, baby?’ in a rip-off English accent… Sam: Wow, Daniel! That was a really good impression! Daniel: Really? Jack: No! Hahahaha! Daniel: Shut it, Halitosis Boy, before I throw this lava lamp at you. Jack: Hah! You can’t call me that. I didn’t put the false teeth in! Daniel: Who was talking about false teeth? Jack: Why you little… Daniel (choking): Agfgghhhhffgfgfh! Jack: Now you will stop messing about. How come I get this job again? Daniel: Well, in most pantos and things, the main man was called ‘Jack’. Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Jack Horner, The House That Jack Built… Jack (preening): So I was just born to be the lead man, I mean, even my parents realised it… Daniel: Well, no. Jack was just a really common name and easy for kids. Jack is just a general name like… the British soldier being Tommy, or unidentified stiffs being John… Actually, Jack is a pet name of John which just goes to show how common it is… all the Jacksons and Johnsons… Jack: Common? Oh, you… Wait, you’re ‘Jackson’, so you’re common too! Hahaha! Your cleverness backfired! Sam: Yeah, serves you right for doing your lecture. Daniel: Why are you being mean to me Sam? Sam: The dress. I rest my case. Daniel: Oh… Jack: The reason I’m doing all the hard work is cos you get a kick out of being the narrator. I’m right, aren’t I? You’re on a power trip! Daniel: And I thought you’d like to do this… thought James Bond’d be sorta like another of your idols… Jack: James Bond, maybe, but not dressed like this! I’d wear a smart suit… Daniel: You don’t own one. You only have your uniform and your trackies. I’ve seen your wardrobe. Jack: Hey! There is nothing wrong with trackies! Sam: Guys… even though discussing childhood idols and clothes is fun… We have a panto to do. Te’vil will take of those muffs any minute! Jack: Oh yeah, right. Daniel: So Jack Powers steps up onto the super-high-tech control panel… Jack: The one that is really just the controls for the Stargate… Daniel: … And is just about to shut the evil bunny killing super-laser down when Minite’e spots him. Minite’e: !!! Jack: What was that? Daniel: Well, he can’t talk… so he pulled at Dr. Te’vil’s sleeve. Tug, tug. Teal’c: What is this? Jack Powers! I thought I killed you already! Agh, you will not escape twice! Daniel: So Jack and Te’vil fight, knocking over several expensive looking painted cardboard boxes. They struggle to hit the ‘Fire’ button. Jack hits it, then Te’vil, then Jack, then… Powering down sound. Darkness. Jack: Who turned out the lights? Sam: I did, Sir. It was getting pretty tedious to watch you both fight and it does cost an awful lot to light this place, so I pulled the plug. Daniel: But we missed the fabulous ‘disarm the bomb’ sequence and the villain’s escape and the… Jack: Stow it. Daniel: Will I ever get to finish a story properly? Jack: I doubt it. Teal’c, you can put the cat down, now. |
|  |
|
6th January 2001, 03:29 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Odi et amo et- CRUCIO! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Manchester. UK. Or near as dammit.
Posts: 4,670
|  ;) ;) ;) Cheers Don't mean to shout but... I have pantos and ST TOS up over here... http://www.ascifi.com/forums/showthr...8330#post18330 Read please, if you like... PLIS!!! I'll write more when I haven't got the fear of dog hanging over me. |
|
| |
|
7th January 2001, 09:42 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| God Like Member  Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Los Angeles, California,U.S.A.
Posts: 4,353
|  Thanks, Skip for a fun Good Read! That was funny. I loved Teal'c as Dr. Te'vil that was a scream and the shaved cat! Poor Schrodinger! Oh the clothers. It does bring back bad memories! |
|
| |
 |
| About | Link To Us | For Writers | For Publishers | Privacy | Terms of Use | Copyright | Press | XML/RSS | Contact Us © Copyright Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles 2003-2008 |
'S cold 
she hasn't been here in ages.
