The sheltered young maiden was not feeling well so her bossy mother took her to the doctor, who immediately said:
"Don't act the fool" said the mother "my daughter has never so much as kissed a man, have you dear?'
"No mother, I've not even held a mans hand"
"I must ask you to reconsider your foolish diagnosis doctor"
The docter walked to the window and stood looking out for a long time.
"Well Doctor, what is it? Is there something wrong out there?"
"Nothing at all madam, its just that the last time this happened a star appeared in the East, and I don't want to miss it this time"
The Doctors next patient was a man covered in blood and bruises.
"Well what happend?" said the doctor
"Its me wife doc, another of her nightmares"
"Don't play the fool, she might have kicked you but your injuries could not have happened in a bed surely"
"Its like this doc, she had one of her nightmares and shouted "Get out quick my husbands coming home!" and me being half asleep, I jumped straight out the third storey window"
Then there was the Harley Street plastic surgeon whose patient was a man with a beatiful wife who had been badly scarred in an accident.
"I can restore her looks" said the surgeon "but it will cost one thousand pounds and you will have to donate skin from your backside for the operation"
"Whatever it takes" said the man and so the operation was performed and it was a huge success. The woman was even more lovely than before, and the surgeon sent his bill for one thousand pounds.
Next week he got a check for two thousand pounds in the mail and rang up the man to tell him he had overpaid his bill.
"Oh no" says the man "the extra thousand is for the sheer pleasure I get from seeing my mother in law kiss my ****"
And then there was the sprightly old maid who had lived to be a hundred and was being interviewed by a Times reporter...
Asked about her health she replied "I've never been sick a day in my life"
"Really" said the reporter "in one hundred years you've never been bedridden even for a short time?"
"Of course I was young man and table-ended too, but you're not going to put that in the papers"
The doctor was giving the annual school check ups when a girl of ample proportions sat down:
Picking up his stetheschope he said "Big breathes"
And the girl replied: "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen yet"
An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car so she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"