Midnight Eternity

[MidnightEternity]

Well I'm not sure if we can post stories here and ask for feedback but I figured i'd try anyways. So here goes. (The "transitions" are areas that i think need improvement"

Midnight Eternity

My name is Midnight. I am a seventeen year old female. I am five feet and nine inches tall. I have long brown hair that flows down below my shoulders. I was a senior in high school, but that wasn‘t the life intended for me, so I am in the process of giving it back. I work as a writer. I am not that well know, though I have made a decent amount of money from my works. I have no family to speak of, though I have faint memories of cherished ones I shared good times with long ago. I have never met anyone in my life who I thought worthy of a friend. None of them matter now anyways. I lie here apart from that world, in my own box, six feet underground. I am dead.

My name is Midnight. I used to have an apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It wasn’t the greatest place to live, but it wasn’t the street either. When I wasn’t up there writing, I was down at the Starbucks, working nights. And every so often I was out at some club with some guy, but that never lasted long. I always went for the lawyers, the policemen, men who were political, who knew how to take a side and defend it. I remember now, that’s what I loved to do. I loved to argue. I’d sit and argue anyone who would spare a second of their time. I’d argue with the homeless guys in the alleys, the customers at the shop, with all the protesters in the streets. The protesters were the worst. I can’t stand it when people start crying over a war, saying they’re promoting peace, and all the while they’re really just defending a man who’s intentionally caused the deaths of over a million people. And yet somehow they’re right. More so than that, I hate how people assume something is morally right because that’s the way things were done before. Guns should be legal because someone wrote it in our constitution two hundred years ago. Well, one hundred and fifty years ago slavery was legal, one hundred years ago women couldn’t vote, fifty years ago African-Americans had less rights than everyone else. But two hundred years ago guns were legal so they still should be. I guess this is probably why I never in my life ended up with any man. No one likes to hear a woman who complains all the time. I think in all my life, I’ve never even kissed a man. As far as I can remember, I never was with a man, and now of course, unless a necrophiliac comes along I never will be.

But that’s not what life is really all about, right? I’m a writer. I live to write. I write about my foolish dreams of one day saving the world, my hope of finding my family, my desire to remember the little people when I‘m famous. People tell me I try to do too much with my life. “Helping one person is all that matters,” they say. “That’ll get you into heaven for sure.” Religion boggles my mind and makes me want to die sometimes. People creating a savior who will come to the rescue, because they know in reality no one is ever going to come and save them. And it’s not like they deserve to be saved anyways. Everyone wishes that the savior will come in their lifetime, and they will be the ones who get to live forever in Eden. I think I’ve always feared living forever with everyone else in this world. I’m still sick of them and I’m not even with them anymore.

Transition

But I still have a positive outlook towards life. I mean, in reality, we know life is all we have. Beyond our lives no one knows what really happens. Death is the only thing that keeps us alive in this world. And even that didn’t work for me.

Transition

Somehow, I’ve managed to keep track of all these memories in this journal. Of course it probably won’t matter because no one could ever read my handwriting anyways, and even if they could I don‘t know anyone that would come to my apartment to read. I have a talent for going unnoticed. That’s how I ended up here in the first place. No one noticed.

My name is Midnight. I am dead out there in that cold, brittle ground, and yet, in here, I will live for eternity.

[Foxbat]

Hi.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm reading here but I'll try and tell you what I think.
It's well written - not many mistakes - which always makes it easier to read.

Full of contradictions: Midnight is dead but writes. Midnight is dead but writes about life. It's written in the present tense so it's really hard to figure out where you're coming from - is Midnight a ghost that writes? Is there some kind of flashback mechanism happening here? It is perhaps just the way I'm reading it but I find the Point of View quite confusing.

The gun argument is good and well thought out through comparing it to other laws.

The transitions add to the confusion. Transition to what? I think you could do away with those sub-headings and just incorporate them fully into the rest of the story.

The story lacks a hook (although with a bit of juggling the parts around, the hook could easily become the fact that Midnight is dead).

Overall, I think it may be better if you introduce another character who finds and reads Midnight's journal, and you apply a bit of editing to the areas where there are contradictions (for example: Midnight seems to write about her death after her death)

Please don't take what I've said too harshly (after all, I'm just one opinion and I'm no expert) but I am trying to be honest and constructive. I really think that you are trying to say something here but it's not quite coming across. Juggling some of the paragraphs, playing with the tense and generally re-thinking the set up could help it get to where you want it to go.

[littlemissattitude]

That's really intriguing, MidnightEternity. I like what you've written a lot. I especially like the very matter of fact tone. You imply lots of things, but don't explain any of them, which is okay for what you've posted here. But it seems like it is just sort of character sketch. I would really like to see this developed more, if you haven't already, to see some of the things you allude to revealed as Midnight's story unfolds.

I would certainly read more of this. It has a certain atmosphere to it, a certain energy, and a very definite point of view. As a character, Midnight has some intriguing opinions that, developed further, could evolve into an interesting novel, I think.

[knivesout]

Definitely intriguing - as Foxbat said, it's hard to see where you're going with this yet, but taking it as a fragment I must say that I like the freedom with which you are writing. It's hard to tell exactly where some of this is going, but it's well written on the whole and I like your willingness to experiment and try different ways of presenting a tale.

[Jericho323]

It's nice...I like it.


By the way...I'm Jericho, but my real name is Vlad