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Nickler · 1st April 2004, 08:19 PM

i'm a little stuck and i thought i needed some criticizm from poeple that don't realy know me and arent necesarily just trying to be nice.
I would realy appreciate any critisism good or bad so please let loose.

The White Walls of Duat
Yet again the sun rose over the bleached walls of Duat and shattered into a shimmering kaleidoscope as it reflected off the heavily tinted, well cleaned plate glass of the business district. As the light slowly filtered into the streets, in the manner that light slowly works its way into a canyon, people became visible. The town was now alive, at least slightly more so now than before. The people moved in a robotic order, each had his or her own task and nothing was going to distract them. Nobody cared where the person next to them was going or what they did there, they didn’t even truly know what they did themselves. They simply did it.

The city was a mathematical Masterpiece. Down the center of the city ran a river creating two equal halves. On one side of the river sat hundreds of identical white houses each with an identical white fence. On the other side of the river stood several identical skyscrapers each reaching 146 floors, except for the circular tower at the center of the town, which stood slightly above the rest, with 147 floors, as if it was overseeing the rest of the town. Every road intersected at exact ninety-degree angles. Even nature was forced to these unimaginative mathematical standards. Every tree was kept the same height with the same sized trunk, and if someone were to stop their mysterious task long enough to count the leaves they would find exactly 52,438. Of course no one cared about the number of leaves. These people seemed to have lost care and curiosity.

“They’re out, time to work,” I was startled from my thoughts and quickly became part of the chaotic mob massing around the black door. It was slow going for everyone to try and force through the small door at one time. Finally I wedged myself out of the door and came into bright Duat. I glanced back at the contrast of the black door against the white wall, and saw that it was no longer as drastic as it had been when I started working here. The walls were losing their luster.

Through the corner of my eye I saw a glimpse inside one of the skyscrapers. An entire floor was divided into small cramped rooms. In each of these rooms sat one person staring blankly at a bright blinking screen of blue nothingness.
This was supposed to be a utopia for these people. They were given a life free from suffering, and all other evils, but they were entirely dependent on others to control their lives. The overseers in the spire decided where they went, what they did, how and when they did it. Then there were the others like me who took care that they had food that there houses and offices were cleaned and that they never really had to do any physical labor. They never really had to do anything. They didn’t care.

thats not all but i'm working on it thanks for reading and please tell me what you think or any new ideas don't hold back to just grammar.

1st April 2004, 08:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
Nickler Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 21	White Walls of Duat i'm a little stuck and i thought i needed some criticizm from poeple that don't realy know me and arent necesarily just trying to be nice. I would realy appreciate any critisism good or bad so please let loose. The White Walls of Duat Yet again the sun rose over the bleached walls of Duat and shattered into a shimmering kaleidoscope as it reflected off the heavily tinted, well cleaned plate glass of the business district. As the light slowly filtered into the streets, in the manner that light slowly works its way into a canyon, people became visible. The town was now alive, at least slightly more so now than before. The people moved in a robotic order, each had his or her own task and nothing was going to distract them. Nobody cared where the person next to them was going or what they did there, they didn’t even truly know what they did themselves. They simply did it. The city was a mathematical Masterpiece. Down the center of the city ran a river creating two equal halves. On one side of the river sat hundreds of identical white houses each with an identical white fence. On the other side of the river stood several identical skyscrapers each reaching 146 floors, except for the circular tower at the center of the town, which stood slightly above the rest, with 147 floors, as if it was overseeing the rest of the town. Every road intersected at exact ninety-degree angles. Even nature was forced to these unimaginative mathematical standards. Every tree was kept the same height with the same sized trunk, and if someone were to stop their mysterious task long enough to count the leaves they would find exactly 52,438. Of course no one cared about the number of leaves. These people seemed to have lost care and curiosity. “They’re out, time to work,” I was startled from my thoughts and quickly became part of the chaotic mob massing around the black door. It was slow going for everyone to try and force through the small door at one time. Finally I wedged myself out of the door and came into bright Duat. I glanced back at the contrast of the black door against the white wall, and saw that it was no longer as drastic as it had been when I started working here. The walls were losing their luster. Through the corner of my eye I saw a glimpse inside one of the skyscrapers. An entire floor was divided into small cramped rooms. In each of these rooms sat one person staring blankly at a bright blinking screen of blue nothingness. This was supposed to be a utopia for these people. They were given a life free from suffering, and all other evils, but they were entirely dependent on others to control their lives. The overseers in the spire decided where they went, what they did, how and when they did it. Then there were the others like me who took care that they had food that there houses and offices were cleaned and that they never really had to do any physical labor. They never really had to do anything. They didn’t care. thats not all but i'm working on it thanks for reading and please tell me what you think or any new ideas don't hold back to just grammar.