One More Sword - Short Excerpt

[PenDragon]

This is a short excerpt of a Sword & Sorcery Flash story (1k words) I'm working on. This excerpt is the begining of the 1st draft (so excuse and roughness).


Feedback I'm looking for is along the lines of general gut reactions/feelings.

More specifaclly...

Is the story/opening hooky/interesting enough to make you want to read on?


Is it clear where and when the flashback a) Kicks in b) finishes?


Taking into consideration this story is only 982 words long in its entirety, are the characters working/vivid enough?


One More Sword, Against the Wizard, Goes.


I knew one day my big mouth would get me killed. That and ale.

"I'll kill this wizard you speak of." I told the gathered villagers.

Red faced and war like, all leary and beery I was. In the Inn, by the fire, warm with whiskey. Young, confident. Drunk. Stupid. Stupid drunk.

Soon hushed it was though. When I said that.

All the faces round me, crowding in on me. Craggy peasant features, weather worn faces and cold eyes.

I swayed in the silence as if under a spell.

"Leave it." Said the fallow old farmhand sitting alone. "Leave it."

"Come now Sarn," The big bellied man says. "Come now, the boy said…"

"Aye, Jacob" comes back wiry, wiley Old Sarn. "That's the right of it The Boy Said. We shouldn't have spoke on it. Not here, not like this."

Funny, I have no memory of anyone speaking of it.

Earlier, there was only Old Sarn, Fat Jacob and Brew, the sour landlord.

They looked at me, looked at the sheathed sword at my waist. Jacob looked at Old Sarn. Old Sarn looked back down at his drink. Spoke.

"Get the man a drink, Brew. Get the man a drink."

Brew nodded, busied himself. Jacob stared at me as I walked to the bar. Old Sarn looked into his mug of ale.

The ale Brew pushed towards me, was dark, bitter, and thick. Smooth, it went down well. I reached for my clink, but Brew nodded at Old Sarn. I turned, raised my mug to him.

Shortly, Old Sarn is looking at his ale again, and Jacob has gone without me noticing. I pay for another ale some peat whiskey too.

Sooner than I can say, but before I can remember. The place is full and I'm swaying by the fire, they're all looking at me, the whole vllage near as I can tell.

Goodwives, sit with children at their knee, elbow, lap and hip, farmers and fathers stand behind them, by them.

And I've said something that can't be unsaid, yet don't know how I came to this. I feel this connection with these people, I feel like I know all their, troubles, all their small joys in life.

I feel bound to them.

I remember all this as Old Sarn calls me a boy.

"I'm man, not boy, Farmer. I'll be your sword against this Sorcerer." My voice feels thick in my throat, delayed, it echoes over the silence of oblivion and the crackling of a good fire.

Old Sarn nods, downs his ale and leaves without saying a word.

Each vilager passes by, I see each face, feel each life, each soul, then they are gone.

I'm alone. The embers of the fire orange, broken down, but not dead. Across from me in the light of one candle, Brew nods.

"Best leave now, Jacob's lad will show you the path." He blows out the candle and leaves me with the dark.

[Azathoth]

I like it - it has a catchy opening and it does leave me wanting to read more. I only have two complaints - you switched tense half of the way through, and the transition was rough. I'd either keep it in one tense, or find a way to make the transition smoother. Oh, wait, it was a flashback. Hmmm...I wouldn't have caught that unless you had said so, so I guess you could make that a little clearer. Or maybe I'm just dense. Also, at about the part where you switched tense, the writing becomes a bit melodramatic. If the story gets a bit more grim later on, *then* maybe you should start adding tension. But as long as he's in the tavern, you might want to keep it light-hearted. Just a suggestion, really - I like it the way it is.

[jackokent]

I found it really atmospheric. Not sure how to critique it as the style is so individual. I think anything I'd add / suggest would probably ruin it. As with Azathoth I liked it the way it was. The tense thing was a little difficult however and I didn't find it imediately clear.

Certainly interesting enough to keep reading. I'm completely intregued and I was disapointed when it ended. Please post more

[asher marquering]

*claps*

don't think im qualified to critique this one

chris where you

[PenDragon]

Hey cheers, Aza, Jacko, and Asher. Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my work and leave me some feedback. It's much appreciated and useful. I'll make sure I make the transition to the flashback more obvious in the rewrite.

Do any of you have any work you'd like me to take a look at? Let me know.

Cheers,

Lee.

Here's the second half....

"Best leave now, Jacob's lad will show you the path." He blows out the candle and leaves me with the dark.

I'm traveling, through the night, fast, my mind a fog, the night clear, cold, starlit.

Ahead of me a small ratty farm boy is urging me on.

"C'mon," he shouts, "C'mon, he sleeps in yon cave, come to him and kill the basta while he sleeps."

"I'll kill the wizard." I mumble.

Jacob's boy looks back at me, a mixture of disgust and fasination on his moonlit, simple, round face. "C'mon will yea." He pelts off ahead.

I'm here in the gray cold of icy predawn. I'm shivering, not swaying. Not warm, here standing at the mouth of the cave, sword in hand, no memory of it being drawn.

The boy is long gone like the night.

Cold, sore headed, fuzzy, dry throat. "I'm here to kill the wizard." I whisper to my heavy longsword.

A silhoutte faces me, all I see is a dark shape. Robes? A hood?

I stand unable to move, unable to speak, words I have already spoken too many times, fill my mind.

"You'll be here to kill the wizard then."

His voice, is strong, his voice is young, his voice is true.

I hear him sigh, he steps out of the shadows into dawn's first light.

Like his voice, he is young, and strong and true. He wears a hooded cloak that slips from his shoulders with an easy gesture and wraps around his left arm with three well practiced swings.

Like his blade he is lithe and bright. Light as a dancer he comes on, whirling towards me, a flash of sun glints on the thin, well balanced blade that he points at my chest.

"I'm here…" I say, not to him, or me, I just say it. In my head, my foggy head, the dull, throbb…kill the wizard, kill the wizard, kill the wizard…becomes an inchoate scream. I raise my own so heavy sword. I move but know I'm moving too, too slow.

I know why they call him The Wizard, when he skips, dances around my clumsy swing, his blade snick, snicking at me, as mine tangles in his cloak.

Three quick stabs. Past my awkward guard. Three quick stabs into my chest.

Old Sarn, Brew, Jacob, his boy, the farmers, the villagers, I see their faces again. Sad, solem, gathered in a circle. I sway for the last time.

Warm, sticky blood seeps from the wounds, my shirt is full wet and stuck to my chest.

Somewhere Old Sarn's eyes close and he nods his head, almost sorrowful.

"Kill the wizard." I mumble into the damp sod. The wet grass tastes sweet but for the graveyard dank earth that mixes with the blood in my mouth.

I hear his voice, faint, but still strong, still true.

"A pox on their foul peasant magic. I'll pay them back in blood for you and the others, boy. That I swear."

But I'm not listening I'm saying my prayer of death into the grass and seeing Old Sarn's eyes open as mine close to blackness.

<ENDS>

[Azathoth]

Wow, it got even better in the second half.

But I'm not listening I'm saying my prayer of death into the grass and seeing Old Sarn's eyes open as mine close to blackness.

This was the only sentence I thought you could improve. Maybe it should be something like:

But I'm not listening - I'm whispering my last prayer into the grass.
And I see Old Sarn's eyes open even as mine close, forever.

Or something. But again, I liked it very much.

Oh, and I take back what I said earlier about the story becoming slightly melodramatic - just ignore me.

[jackokent]

Brilliant, loved it.

The only bit that for me sounded a little bit over the top was the sentence

"His voice, is strong, his voice is young, his voice is true." It felt a bit too much like a chant or a song.

I really reallly enjoyed this.

[PenDragon]

Hey Aza, Jacko, thanks for reading the rest, much appreciated cheers.

Originally Posted by jackokent

The only bit that for me sounded a little bit over the top was the sentence

"His voice, is strong, his voice is young, his voice is true." It felt a bit too much like a chant or a song.

Hmm, yer right it calls a bit too much attention to itself, it'll have to go.

Anyway, thanks guys, I'm going to rewrite over the weekend and then subb it out, so keep yer fingers crossed for me.

Cheers,

Lee.

[KSeriphyn]

I like the start "I knew one day my big mouth would get me killed. That and ale."

That got me hooked.

Keep up the writing the story is going good so far.

xx

KSeriphyn