| Re: Short excerpt - plot turning point
Quote: Quote: | Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her. | I stumbled over this sentence twice, simply because "talking to her" could still imply a phone conversation. Perhaps some indication of verbalization through his mouth? Maybe with proceeding text I wouldn't stumble, either. | yes I wasn't sure about that sentence either, what I'm trying to do is show that she's been hearing his voice in the background and has tuned out.
I know I've made it more difficult by taking the excerpt out of context because I was worried about the grammar (if you had seen the previous article)
I think I will post a longer segment.. in a new thread
|