Keep Moving Forward!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia, Queensland
[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']Assistant Professor Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr.
Department of Anthropology
Chapman Hall 227B
As chairman of the Committee on Promotion and Tenure, I regret to inform
you that your recent application for tenure has been denied by a vote
of 6 to 1. Following past policies and procedures, proceedings from the
committee's deliberations that were pertinent to our decision have been
summarized below according to the assessment criteria.
I.Demonstrates suitable experience and expertise in chosen field:
The committee concurred that Dr. Jones does seem to possess a nearly
superhuman breadth of linguistic knowledge and an uncanny familiarity
with the history and material culture of the occult. However, his
understanding and practice of archaeology gave the committee the
greatest cause for alarm. Criticisms of Dr. Jones ranged from
'possessing a perceptible methodological deficiency' to 'practicing
archaeology with a complete lack of, disregard for, and colossal
ignorance of current methodology, theory, and ethics' to 'unabashed
grave-robbing.' Given such appraisals, perhaps it isn't surprising to
learn that several Central and South American countries recently
assembled to enact legislation aimed at permanently prohibiting his
Moreover, no one on the committee can identify who or what instilled Dr. Jones
with the belief that an archaeologist's tool kit should consist solely
of a bullwhip and a revolver.
II.Nationally recognized for an effectual program of scholarship or research supported by publications of high quality:
Though Dr. Jones conducts 'field research' far more often than anyone else in
the department, he has consistently failed to report the results of his
excavations, provide any credible evidence of attending the
archaeological conferences he claims to attend, or produce a single
published article in any peer-reviewed journal. Someone might tell Dr.
Jones that in academia 'publish or perish' is the rule. Shockingly,
there is little evidence to date that Dr. Jones has successfully
excavated even one object since he arrived at Marshall College. Marcus
Brody, curator of our natural-history museum, assured me this was not
so and graciously pointed out several pieces in the collection that he
claimed were procured through Dr. Jones's efforts, but, quite frankly,
we have not one shred of documentation that can demonstrate the
provenance or legal ownership of these objects.
III. Meets professional standards of conduct in research and professional activities of the discipline:
The committee was particularly generous (and vociferous) in offering their
opinions regarding this criterion. Permit me to list just a few of the
more troubling accounts I was privy to during the committee's meeting.
Far more times than I would care to mention, the name 'Indiana Jones'
(the adopted title Dr. Jones insists on being called) has appeared in
governmental reports linking him to the Nazi Party, black-market
antiquities dealers, underground cults, human sacrifice, Indian child
slave labor, and the Chinese mafia. There are a plethora of
international criminal charges against Dr. Jones, which include but are
not limited to: bringing unregistered weapons into and out of the
country; property damage; desecration of national and historical
landmarks; impersonating officials; arson; grand theft (automobiles,
motorcycles, aircraft, and watercraft in just a one week span last
year); excavating without a permit; countless antiquities violations;
public endangerment; voluntary and involuntary manslaughter; and,
Dr. Jones's interpersonal skills and relationships are no better. By Dr.
Jones's own admission, he has repeatedly employed an underage Asian boy
as a driver and 'personal assistant' during his Far East travels. I
will refrain from making any insinuations as to the nature of this
relationship, but my intuition insists that it is not a healthy one,
nor one to be encouraged. Though the committee may have overstepped the
boundaries of its evaluation, I find it pertinent to note that Dr.
Jones has been romantically linked to countless women of questionable
character, an attribute very unbecoming of a Marshall College
professor. One of these women was identified as a notorious nightclub
singer whose heart he attempted to extract with his hands, and whom he
then tried, and failed, to lower into a lake of magma. Another was a
Nazi scholar he was seen courting just last year who, I'm told,
plummeted into a fathomless abyss at Dr. Jones's hand. And, of course,
no one can forget the slow decline and eventual death of Professor
Abner Ravenwood after Dr. Jones's affair with Abner's underage daughter
was made public, forcing her to emigrate to Nepal to escape the debacle.
IV. Demonstrates successful record in undergraduate and graduate teaching:
In his nine years with the department, Dr. Jones has failed to complete
even one uninterrupted semester of instruction. In fact, he hasn't been
in attendance for more than four consecutive weeks since he was hired.
Departmental records indicate Dr. Jones has taken more sabbaticals,
sick time, personal days, conference allotments, and temporary leaves
than all the other members of the department combined.
The lone student representative on the committee wished to convey that,
besides being an exceptional instructor, a compassionate mentor, and an
unparalleled gentleman, Dr. Jones was extraordinarily receptive to the
female student body during and after the transition to a coeducational
system at the college. However, his timeliness in grading and returning
assignments was a concern.
V. Establishment of an appropriate record of departmental and campus service:
Dr. Jones's behavior on campus has led not only to disciplinary action but
also to concerns as to the state of his mental health. In addition to
multiple instances of public drunkenness, Dr. Jones, on three separate
occasions, has attempted to set fire to the herpetology wing of the
biology department. Perhaps most disturbing, however, are the
statements that come directly from Dr. Jones's mouth. Several faculty
members maintain that Dr. Jones informed them on multiple occasions of
having discovered the Ark of the Covenant, magic diamond rocks, and the
Holy Grail! When asked to provide evidence for such claims, he
purportedly replied that he was 'kind of immortal' and/or muttered
derogatory statements about the 'bureaucratic fools' running the U.S.
government. Given his history with the Nazi Party, I fear where his
- - - -
To summarize, the committee fails to recognize any indication that Dr.
Jones is even remotely proficient when it comes to archaeological
scholarship and practice. His aptitude as an instructor is questionable
at best, his conduct while abroad is positively deplorable, and his
behavior on campus is minimally better. Marshall College has a
reputation to uphold. I need not say more.
Prof. G.L. Stevens