Hi, nice ideas. I'm not particularly qualified to comment on grammar, and that's being optimistic about my abilities, but I have noticed your sporadic liking of commas.
Though someone may point out and correct me that the commas are placed in correct grammatical lcoations, they do disrupt the flow of your imagery,e specially in the first paragraph, remember there is no harm in letting the reader continue without a breath for a little while, sentences dont always have to be short or long, writing literature, especially fantasy is more about imagery and feel.
Its good work though, and could be made instantly better by a few small alterations.
regards. Tim