Re: The Dark Legion (Opening) - Critique all you want
A little bit better. You might try expanding that entry and perhaps adding some more description to it. Also, you don't have to simply state things so plainly. Some bits of info can be introduced via dialog or through other entries earlier or later in the story.
As an example: You could allude to their desperate situation in the conversation, then bring the total picture into view as the story progresses. The reader doesn't have to know everything at once unless it's absolutely vital.
On numbers; I was always taught to type numbers out unless they were larger than ninety-nine. And to me, as a fiction piece or narrative goes, I believe it keeps the flow going. It's not a technical document after-all. Someone with more knowledge will probably over-ride me though.