Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles: forums - View Single Post - The Dark Legion (Opening)

Precise Calibre · 17th May 2008, 04:01 AM

I'm about to offer some blunt suggestions regarding your piece here, but it is not meant to be hostile. If you do a little editting and perhaps smooth some things out, I'd be very interested in seeing this progress much further.

It's very compact and clipped, I didn't get into the mood of anything at all; it seemed very matter-of-fact. The entire thing could possibly be expanded to allow some character development while also allowing you to put forth information without it seeming like a play script.

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The first lines

"The smell of death filled the air. Another scout of the Jerane Kingdom died before his companion’s blade. Their lair was the only place that the Jerane Kingdom did not control in the southern land."

These lines do not hook me at all. Your first line not only sounds like a phrase I hear often enough in war-torn worlds, it also fails to make sense in the continuity of things; why is there a smell of death if someone has just been killed? People don't usually "smell of death" until some time after they die. The second line is the equally confusing. How are the two mentioned companions? From the later portion of the story, I'm under the impression that their "companionship" is only due to the fact that they were from the same loyalty before the group was branded evil by the church. Perhaps they were former allies? The flow is further disturbed by an information note that is not linked to any particular group or person. Who's lair is this? And why do we care right after someone has been killed?

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"The Dark Legion is a group of warlocks and assassins that used to live in peace but when the church took a place in the politics of the world they were banished from the land and hunted down like a pack of dogs accused of hierarchy. Only 17 of them remained, and their means of survival relied in the fall of the church and their king. But with only 17 they stood no chance, their only hope was surviving and making sure none of their scouts located their home."

This is an info-dump, at least to a degree. These elements and facts could all be brought out within the narrative through more subtle means than simply stating the situation.

Assassins and Warlocks; roles generally involving an ideal of combat, subterfuge, magical prowess and ruthlessness, living in peace? The image doesn't hash, at least not in my mind.

Do you perhaps mean "heresy"?

Type out numbers that are less than three digits I believe is the rule of thumb.

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Again, I apologize if I come across as too blunt, but I don't usually respond unless I actually want to help.

17th May 2008, 04:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
Precise Calibre Storywright Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 448	Re: The Dark Legion (Opening) - Critique all you want I'm about to offer some blunt suggestions regarding your piece here, but it is not meant to be hostile. If you do a little editting and perhaps smooth some things out, I'd be very interested in seeing this progress much further. It's very compact and clipped, I didn't get into the mood of anything at all; it seemed very matter-of-fact. The entire thing could possibly be expanded to allow some character development while also allowing you to put forth information without it seeming like a play script. --- The first lines "The smell of death filled the air. Another scout of the Jerane Kingdom died before his companion’s blade. Their lair was the only place that the Jerane Kingdom did not control in the southern land." These lines do not hook me at all. Your first line not only sounds like a phrase I hear often enough in war-torn worlds, it also fails to make sense in the continuity of things; why is there a smell of death if someone has just been killed? People don't usually "smell of death" until some time after they die. The second line is the equally confusing. How are the two mentioned companions? From the later portion of the story, I'm under the impression that their "companionship" is only due to the fact that they were from the same loyalty before the group was branded evil by the church. Perhaps they were former allies? The flow is further disturbed by an information note that is not linked to any particular group or person. Who's lair is this? And why do we care right after someone has been killed? --- "The Dark Legion is a group of warlocks and assassins that used to live in peace but when the church took a place in the politics of the world they were banished from the land and hunted down like a pack of dogs accused of hierarchy. Only 17 of them remained, and their means of survival relied in the fall of the church and their king. But with only 17 they stood no chance, their only hope was surviving and making sure none of their scouts located their home." This is an info-dump, at least to a degree. These elements and facts could all be brought out within the narrative through more subtle means than simply stating the situation. Assassins and Warlocks; roles generally involving an ideal of combat, subterfuge, magical prowess and ruthlessness, living in peace? The image doesn't hash, at least not in my mind. Do you perhaps mean "heresy"? Type out numbers that are less than three digits I believe is the rule of thumb. --- Again, I apologize if I come across as too blunt, but I don't usually respond unless I actually want to help.