Wow! What a great story. At first I needed to get used to your style of writing but after a few paragraphs I loved it. Though, here are a few comments:
In the second paragraph Mana says she had a dream of the rampant lion last night, but later she tells Neo that see didn’t dream that night. It confuses me.
Also, Mana’s grandfather came from Italy before they stopped emigration practice. Do you mean Italy? I think so because else her parents could leave Scotland. And why didn’t he parents they take Mana with her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by RcGrant  I love the idea behind it, and way it's been executed. You have some beautiful words. Only quibble would be perhaps it is a little cliched, but what the hell. Maybe consider writing other things with this main character? Explore his life before this point? He's certainly vivid enough to warrant it. |
And I guess it would be hard writing more with this character beyond this point. The two dozen of explosions on her chest took care of that. And btw, I didn’t really noticed the clichés, so they aren’t annoying as some can be.
As for an title, something to do with a dreamer or a prophecy can be appropriate. Maybe The Rampant Lion would fit, since you can see that as the prophecy and the prophecy comming true