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Old 2nd April 2008, 05:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
Urlik
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Isle of Wight
Posts: 290
Re: Children of the Matrix (Beginning)

Quote:
he had spent on his private school principal’s office
should be;
he had spent in his private school principal’s office

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He even looked like Aristotle itself
should be;
He even looked like Aristotle himself

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It made Baker to feel as if the man himself was a King
should not have the "to"
It made Baker feel as if the man himself was a King

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and the man next on his right was his executioner
the "next" is unnessecerry
and the man on his right was his executioner

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it didn’t explain his interest on the gene-manipulation,
should be;
it didn’t explain his interest in the gene-manipulation,

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but then again the time was year 1980,
would read better as
but then again the year was 1980,

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by using methods that had to come from the future.
it would read better without the "by"
using methods that had to come from the future.

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His grasping voice made Baker to shiver
I think you meant rasping voice and you don't need that "to"
His rasping voice made Baker shiver

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and think how he could escape from the situation that he was in,
I think it would read better if the sentence was shortened;
and think how he could escape from this situation,

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"I rather stand, if you don’t mind…”
should be;
"I'd rather stand, if you don’t mind…

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Baker took off his glasses to swipe steam off from them, as he started to tell his story.
would read better as;
Baker took off his glasses and started to clean them, as he started to tell his story.

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according the plan until there was a accident that made the CORE device act weirdly.
the "a" should be an "an", and it might sound more realistic if he said behave unpredictably instead of act weirdly
according the plan until there was an accident which made the CORE device behave unpredictably.
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