| |||||||
| Critiques Post your writing here for critique and constructive criticism |
| |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Rating:  |
4th June 2006, 07:30 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Age Of Aurora Hello. I too am new here but i would like to show my work to the people and having proper criticism of it is definately going to help with it. A friend of mine and myself have started to write a series of science fiction - comedy stories that will be available for free over the internet. Our first priority is to have our stories read and we do not care much about gaining money out of this. I am not sure whether i should have just a part of a story here since it is already complete on our website. So before posting anything else,i would like to ask what should i do, post a link to out website when one can read the full text, or paste a part here?Thank you! |
|  |
|
4th June 2006, 07:52 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Re: Age Of Aurora Thank you for your quick reply. It appears that i cannot post a link until i reach 15 posts so i guess it will have to wait. The first story is online (in english and greek versions) and in a couple or three weeks i believe we will have the second story online as well. untill then, a short taste for critique: ... ¶Having relieved after the call, the senator came out of the lavatories with a discreet grin. ¶Grin that froze when he conceived that everyone in the room, which in the meantime had been full, were staring at him. ¶Trying to understand what happened, and after looking at his shoes in case toilet paper had stuck there, he turned back. ¶His attention was captured by a reflection on the floor. ¶Curious, he glanced above. ¶Speechless and embarrassed he saw a flashing sign above the door, which wrote: ¶"Did not wash hands". ¶ ¶At the other side of the room, the chairman of the Senate turned to the emperor and whispered in his ear: ¶ ¶"When I told you to attend to the hygiene of your personnel, I didn't have that in mind…" ¶The emperor had just enough time to puff puzzled, when the prince's older sister came forward gracefully and said: ¶ ¶"It's something quite original, isn't it? ¶As much as effective. ¶I believe you will agree with me that the tax money is spent with the right ways. ¶Finally, perhaps that will teach all these filthy creatures some manners. ¶How are you Mr. chairman?" ¶A perplexed chairman answered: ¶ ¶"Very well now that I see you. ¶Each time you become even more beautiful miss Amelia" he said trying not to vomit, disgusted from the false politeness that his position imposed. ¶ "Your highness. ¶Your majesty for you" she corrected. ¶ ¶"I have always known you had a unique sense of humour. ¶I agree with your sanitary concerns; something I was just reporting to your father. ¶What preoccupies me more is tonight's success". ¶ ... |
|
| |
|
4th June 2006, 08:31 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| KenDodd'sDad'sDog'sDead  Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 794
| Re: Age Of Aurora Thanks for the taster Leo, and welcome to Chronicles.  I have to admit that I did laugh when I read that, so well done there. As for writing style, I think you need to pay closer attention to whose point-of-view you're telling the story from. In that small piece there were at least 4 swaps to a different POV - that can be quite confusing. |
|
| |
|
4th June 2006, 08:50 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Re: Age Of Aurora well,i guess this is the problem when you have a large main cast. the focus is very hard to stay on one character, especially when you have to tell intertwined stories. we will see to it though to improve the next stories |
|
| |
|
4th June 2006, 09:00 PM
| #6 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||
| resident pedantissimo  | Re: Age Of Aurora Oh, dear. Small font, invisible characters visible, and it needs quite a lot of work, both gramatically and in questions of translation (I assume it's the translation) Is the english version important to you? Because it's going to take a fair amount of correction. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
| ||||||||||||||
|
| |
|
6th June 2006, 12:03 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Re: Age Of Aurora I am sad to say that the translation (to english) does come with quite many mistakes. And systran made the work harder rather than easier. I cannot promice anything about the first story but we will pay more attention on the second story. As for the "call" mentioned, it was about the scene before the part i pasted here. however i apologize for the short font and the invisible characters. it was a quick copy-paste, i will try tomorrow to correct it. the adress is ageofaurora.dom.gr (with a www ahead of it) thank you! edit: there seems to be a problem with the redirection link,so the real link is thethe.freehostia.com/ Last edited by LeoCrow; 6th June 2006 at 12:41 AM. |
|
| |
|
8th June 2006, 11:12 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Re: Age Of Aurora I cannot edit the post so here is the same part without the invisible characters and the small font.No grammar corrections yet though: Having relieved after the call, the senator came out of the lavatories with a discreet grin. Grin that froze when he conceived that everyone in the room, which in the meantime had been full, were staring at him. Trying to understand what happened, and after looking at his shoes in case toilet paper had stuck there, he turned back. His attention was captured by a reflection on the floor. Curious, he glanced above. Speechless and embarrassed he saw a flashing sign above the door, which wrote: "Did not wash hands". At the other side of the room, the chairman of the Senate turned to the emperor and whispered in his ear: "When I told you to attend to the hygiene of your personnel, I didn't have that in mind…" The emperor had just enough time to puff puzzled, when the prince's older sister came forward gracefully and said: "It's something quite original, isn't it? As much as effective. I believe you will agree with me that the tax money is spent with the right ways. Finally, perhaps that will teach all these filthy creatures some manners. How are you Mr. chairman?" A perplexed chairman answered: "Very well now that I see you. Each time you become even more beautiful miss Amelia" he said trying not to vomit, disgusted from the false politeness that his position imposed. "Your highness. Your majesty for you" she corrected. "I have always known you had a unique sense of humour. I agree with your sanitary concerns; something I was just reporting to your father. What preoccupies me more is tonight's success". "If you mean an imperial acquaintance to occur that will lead to marriage, I am positive that you will achieve your objective, however I'm not absolutely convinced that the Senate knows what it does this time". "Oh, our choices are always for the public good". "This is precisely what I am afraid of". It was one from the few times when the chairman of the Senate didn't have the last word in juxtaposition. What was more in his mind was that the wayward Amelia was perhaps right. |
|
| |
|
10th June 2006, 05:33 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 40
| Re: Age Of Aurora By the way,how would you feel if some of the characters in a story curse from time to time?we tried to make them as realistic as possible and in the greek version of the story cursing felt integral but in the english one may seem a bit forced. anyway now that i can officially post a link for the full story, here it is : http://www.ageofaurora.dom.gr/ |
|
| |
