Hey Phil, Up to this point, it was good. It drew me in. A crystal lattice would be a hard thing to describe. Perhaps you could find some pictures on Google or Wiki. But also (see below quote) it's the relative position of things that is hard to picture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Brown 
He was balanced precariously between the flat ends of two enormous slivers of crystal. Through their transparent blueness he could see them tapering away below him and joining with hundreds of others to form an enormous geometrical grid that surrounded him. |
The first sentence here gives me trouble: "between the flat ends" is probably the culprit. As the reader I wouldn't know the difference between the flat ends, the curved ends, the pointed ends, the obtuse ends (you get my point). I don't really know what each piece looks like to begin with. Also If I am between 2 ends, then what am I standing on? How can I see the ends of something I'm standing above unless they curve back on me, or if it's a clear piece I'm seeing through? (That could be clarified) And a sliver can be any of several shapes, so I wasn't sure about that.
The second sentence started to make sense and then lost me. This part was fine "...he could see them tapering away below him and joining with hundreds of others to form an enormous geometrical grid..." The difficulty I had is when it first tapered away below him, and then surrounded him. If it tapered away below, it sounds like he's standing on a globe. Then when it surrounded him, it sounds as if he's
in the globe.
I hope this is coming across okay. In general, I liked it. It drew me in again after that paragraph. The bloated god thing is very bizzare, but there's nothing wrong with that. That's why they call it science fiction.
Good luck.
- Z.