Quote:
Originally Posted by shamguy4  My character is running through a hallway, truning many corners, when he truns a corner and smacks into an old man...
but I'm not sure how to go about wording this...
At first i wrote:
As he ran around the corner he smacked right into something... he felt dazed and as he took a step back he noticed it wasnt something but rather someone.
But I felt there needed to be action so then I erased that and wrote:
He began to run and it was at his next corner when there was a big smack!
he felt dazed as he took a step back. It took him a second to realize he had bashed into someone, a man, and he too seemed to be shaken up.
which one is better? or is there a btter way to write this altogether? I just want there to be a feeling of Ouch! rather than ...ok he bumped into a man.... yay... |
If I had to choose, I like the first one better. If I'm getting what you want when you say you "want there to be a feeling of Ouch!", what I would recommend is tightening what I call the "psychic distance" - how close the narrator is to the character.
For example "The sound of his footsteps pounding the floor echoed back at him as he ran down the narrow corridors, quickly turning down each new opening. As he rounded the next turn, something flashed and he was in sudden pain. For a brief moment he saw stars. As the pain subsided, he took a step back and saw that he had run into
someone. An old man - who appeared to be in pain now too."
I would try to avoid saying things like "He began to run..." it's what they call the "passive voice". Always use action verbs to describe action - especially if it's lively. Say "he ran, she flew, it poured" rather than "he was running, she was flying, it was pouring". As in all writing guidelines, there are always exceptions. I suggest looking at similar scenes in your favorite novels for good examples. Good Luck !
- Z.