UNTITLED Chapter 3: A BREATH OF TRUTH

[orionsixwings]

Chapter 3: A BREATH OF TRUTH

The Lamija was blowing from the southwest, and the waves of the ocean rippled through the horizon. The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds into slowly disappearing with the darkening sky. It was breathtaking, yet somber. Lio found himself again staring at the vast expanse of the world around him.

Lio had always found great solace in the solitude of the Mishrel Soni beaches, taking refuge in the golden sands of the Wynn desert washed assiduously by the Sea of Sands. After spending an exhausting day of preaching the Mishreli the Haeran Way, he would wind up taking his seemingly infinite walk along the shores, barefoot to feel the coarse grains of sand and the warm saltwater, immersing himself with thoughts of unanswered questions. More recently he had made this not as his habit but as his ritual, if not his devotion, not only to mourn for the demise of his beloved parents, but also to backtrack in history bits and pieces of memories that would somehow make sense his present situation.

Being the youngest priest of Haera in this part of Wynnguarde, Lio's acceleration to the priesthood was legend. No one in their living history had equaled his achievement. He was exalted and respected, until the devastating accident.

The accident. Everything still seemed to be a blur whenever he tries to remember that ill-fated day. But the one thing that kept on pestering his mind, more than seeing his father crumpled and dead, was the dying words of his mother.

"Seek him." His mother said.

"Seek who?"

"Your father." His mother coughed blood, her breathing more labored.

"Mother, I don't understand," his voice heightened with panic and confusion.

"Lio, there's no time. Seek him in Ilan. He will tell you who you really are. Seek Morion. I'm sorry son." And with that, his mother was gone.

Lio stifled a cry. Those painful memories have strained his life, made him neglect the serious duties of his priesthood. The highly acclaimed priest suddenly transformed into an empty preacher, isolated, distant. His brothers from the congregation saw to understand his bereavement, but the more they wanted to lead him back, the more he drifted away. The brothers saw that Lio had become a lost cause. They eventually gave up on him.

He didn't mind however the indifference of the people he once shared his dedication with. He felt the teachings he had tried to spread dissolve in utter nothingness. The numerous times he spent his solitude in the shores of Mishrel Soni were only a prelude to him gathering his strength. He had questions to be answered, and he was already sure he was to pursue the truth his mother wanted him to seek. He was just waiting for the traditional 30-day mourning period to end. Then, he'll be on his way.

Somewhere in the distance, across the vast area of the sea, lays the island he has been eager to see. Somewhere in the southwest, where the Lamija was coming from, loomed the answers to questions "Who am I?" and "Why did mother say I have another father?"

His appointed ambition to become high priest would have to be set aside. For some reason, he felt that the great door of change that just opened up in front of him would bring him the long sought adventure he last dreamt of as a child.

Hopefully, he would find his true self in Ilan.

[Coolhand]

Hi there Orionsixwings

Just read through your post and found it very atmospheric. And it mostly flows pretty well. You didn't mention what kind of feedback you were looking for, so I'm just gonna mention a couple of sentence related issues.

The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds into slowly disappearing with the darkening sky.

That sentence, whilst a nice description, comes off a little awkward. Perhaps this might flow a little better:
"The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds, as they slowly disappeared from the darkened sky."

He didn't mind however the indifference of the people he once shared his dedication with.

Once again, this seems a little clunky to me. Perhaps this might be better:
"Yet, he didn't mind the indifference of the people who had once shared his dedication"

I also noted that you occasionally slip from past to present tense in a sentence, e.g.

Everything still seemed to be a blur whenever he tries to remember that ill-fated day.

The "tries" is in the wrong tense for the rest of the narrative. "Tried" would fit better. That might just be a typo, I know, but doing that kind of thing is usually considered a bad idea.

Overall though, very nice. I really liked the descriptions of the landscape and the environment, it brought to mind the awed "I'm just a speck" feeling those kind of surroundings make me feel.

All in all, very nice. Keep up the good work.

[orionsixwings]

Thanks CoolHand! Will take all that in consideration.

As far as feedback is concerned, I want all of it -- THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.

[adrosenth]

Originally Posted by orionsixwings

The Lamija was blowing from the southwest, and the waves of the ocean rippled through the horizon. The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds into slowly disappearing with the darkening sky. It was breathtaking, yet somber. Lio found himself again staring at the vast expanse of the world around him.

This is just my opinion. Asume you had written it this way:

The Lamija was blowing from the southwest.
The waves of the ocean rippled through the horizon.
The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds into slowly disappearing with the darkening sky.

All three of those sentences start with "the". Not that it's a major problem or anything... it's just that if it were me, I would do something with the last sentence there (which seems a little awkward anyways, as the previous poster already explained).

Is the dialog a flashback? To me, it just has that sort of feeling.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by orionsixwings

Chapter 3: A BREATH OF TRUTH

The Lamija was blowing from the southwest, and the waves of the ocean rippled through the horizon

Waves can't do anything "through" the horizon. They can ripple to the horizon, or obscure it buy

. The orange glow of the setting sun accompanied the thick cumulus clouds into slowly disappearing with the darkening sky.

I agree this bit (from "the orange glow") is confused, and could do with a rewrite

It was breathtaking, yet somber. Lio found himself again staring at the vast expanse of the world around him.

Lio had always found great solace in the solitude of the Mishrel Soni beaches, taking refuge in the golden sands of the Wynn desert washed assiduously

I'd agree that the sea took great care washing the beaches, if it weren't for that line of seaweed and driftwood… perhaps not "assiduously"

by the Sea of Sands. After spending an exhausting day of preaching the Mishreli the Haeran Way,

are the "Misreli" the people to whom he is preaching (in which case we need a "to" in there somewhere) 0r what he is preaching?

he would wind up taking his seemingly infinite walk along the shores, barefoot to feel the coarse grains of sand and the warm saltwater, immersing himself with

if it's immersing, it should be "in" Also, I don't like " thoughts of ananswered questions" Just "immersing himself in unanswered questions" would work

thoughts of unanswered questions. More recently he had made this not as his habit but as his ritual

could get rid of the two "as"s, and add a comma to separate the two concepts

, if not his devotion, not only to mourn for the demise of his beloved parents, but also to backtrack in history bits and pieces of memories that would somehow make sense

I think an "of" in there

his present situation.

Being the youngest priest of Haera in this part of Wynnguarde, Lio's acceleration to the priesthood was legend. No one in their living history had equaled his achievement.

Too much conceptual repetition. needs tightening up

He was exalted and respected, until the devastating accident.

The accident. Everything still seemed to be a blur whenever he tries to remember that ill-fated day. But the one thing that kept on pestering his mind, more than seeing his father crumpled and dead, was the dying words of his mother.

"Seek him." His mother said.

"Seek who?"

"Your father." His mother coughed blood, her breathing more labored.

"Mother, I don't understand," his voice heightened with panic and confusion.

"Lio, there's no time. Seek him in Ilan. He will tell you who you really are. Seek Morion. I'm sorry son." And with that, his mother was gone.

Lio stifled a cry. Those painful memories have strained his life, made him neglect the serious duties of his priesthood. The highly acclaimed priest suddenly transformed into an empty preacher, isolated, distant. His brothers from the congregation saw to

is that "Sought to"?

understand his bereavement, but the more they wanted to lead him back, the more he drifted away. The brothers saw that Lio had become a lost cause. They eventually gave up on him.

He didn't mind however the indifference of the people he once shared his dedication with.

sentence clumsy

He felt the teachings he had tried to spread dissolve in utter nothingness. The numerous times he spent his solitude in the shores of Mishrel Soni were only a prelude to him gathering his strength. He had questions to be answered, and he was already sure he was to pursue the truth his mother wanted him to seek. He was just waiting for the traditional 30-day mourning period to end. Then, he'll

he'd

be on his way.

Somewhere in the distance, across the vast area of the sea, lays

"lies", I think. And the "area" of the sea doesn't feel quite right

the island he has been eager to see. Somewhere in the southwest, where the Lamija was coming from, loomed the answers to questions "Who am I?" and "Why did mother say I have another father?"

His appointed

"appointed" ambition? This is what you will yearn for, and don't you forget it?

ambition to become high priest would have to be set aside. For some reason, he felt that the great door of change that just opened up in front of him would bring him the long sought adventure he last dreamt of as a child.

Hopefully, he would find his true self in Ilan.

Perhaps I was feeling a trifle facetious, but the criticisms are nonetheless valid. And throughout, the piece doesn't flow quite right yet, even if many of the ideas and descriptions are good.