Flawed Perfection.

[Amber]

This might be rather too long for one post, and if it is I will gladly delete some of it. I'd be grateful for constructive criticism, especially as relating to the ideas, and how it flows. Thank you.



'Flawed Perfection.'



"What did you see?"


The room was quiet and the question bounced off the smooth white walls. The pyschiatrist sighed in frustration. Not a sign from the patient all month. All tests proved that he was not catatonic, that he had perfect speech capability- he was just choosing not to use it. His patient was the only survivor of mankind's last space drive, the last person to venture into space and return. The space program had shut down, amid rumblings of uninterest. His crew had died, and he'd drifted for weeks before his automatic return.
Nothing he said provoked any response, and finally he switched on the viewing screen that was deep set in the wall. A pseudo- scientific program was in, supposedly exploring the place of robots in society.
The camera's panned out to show the Delphi building, and then complete with voice-over zoomed in. The voice droned on. "Amidst the biggest ethical controversy of the century, Delphi have been creating what they claim is the robotic equivalant of a human brain. Expectations centre eagerly on this major step forward in robotics. The brain will be housed in a fairly rudimentary frame, which will mimick the human form in it's essentials, though not in complexity."

A Delphic spokesperson appeared on the screen. "The brain will be in it's mental infancy, and we have decided it will be brought up almost as a child- with every stimulus and care possible. We hope to create something as close to perfection as any of us are likely to get."

The screen moved to focus on a crows of demonstrators. One woman flushed with passion, told the camera's of her fear it was inhumane, and that nobody could create perfection. The pyschiatrist felt a convulsive tremor pass through the man at his side, and a muttered word. "Perfection." The man's voice was unremarkable, neither deep nor light, and it was perfectly audible. He turned and intensity flared so strongly in his eyes that the pyschiatrist physically recoiled. "Take me there." He pointed at the screen and enunicated every word clearly. His eyes sought out the other man's name badge. "Now Mr Addison."

It took a very short time to arrange a guided tour- almost shorter than the extensive security checks carried out on them both, Addison thought sourly. The guards had been apologetic but thorough, anything metallic was taken from them, including Addison's wedding ring. They were throughly searched and scanned. The PR man was apologetic as well. "We get a lot of cranks in here, trying to harm our work," he explained, sticking a name badge on them both.

The tour was extensive, and Addison could sense both his patients' impatience with the time it was taking, and his nervous strained excitement as they moved closer to the penultimate lab. A dark haired woman bumped into them, and flicking her eyes down to their name badges stiffened. "Sorry Mr Levine." She hurried away, glancing back at them nervously. Levine looked at Addison in query, and Addison said wryly. "You're famous."
The lab was divided in two- a viewing room, enclosed in bullet proof glass, looped in alarm systems and monitoring programs, while in the other room sat a chair, and on it, limbs bent in a parody of sitting was the robot. Addison had vaguely imagined a fully humanoid figure, maybe even an android, indistinguishable from a human. Certainly he had not imagined a solid metallic torso, with legs that looked too spindly to hold it up, arms that were similary frail, and a head that was out of proportion. Something in the waywardly thrown figure, reminded Addison of a dead child, no life animating it's limbs.

The PR man spoke. "Naturally we haven't been able to simulate a sense of smell, but one of our brightest made sure it had a rudimentary taste mechanism, and most other functions are up and
running."

"It eats?" Addison asked half repulsed, half fascinated.

"In a fashion. It has no digestive system, but technically it is like a human child- in one end, out the other." He laughed heartily at his own joke. While they were talking, Levine spread his fingers against the glass as though trying to reach through. The robot was no more than 70 cm long, the height of a small child. Levine heard the guide explain, that is this was successful that they would transfer it to a larger body at some stage, imitating the process of growing up.

"Does it have a name or a sex?" asked Addison.

"Technically it's male. The primary patterns in his brain, have attributes that are commonly associated with male characteristics. As to a name, everyone on the project calls him something different, though we'll leave the final choice to the surrogate parents. Lovely people actually. Two kids already, both away, there'll be plenty of affection.

Levin pressed the glass, and Addison gave him a worried look. Levine could feel a tear threatening, but he harshly blinked it away. "Poor child," he whispered softly. "Nothing's going to change."

Back at the hospital, Addison tried to question Levine, but was gently rebuffed. "You wouldn't understand Doc. You'd nod and agree and mark me down as one of the crazies." There was silence for a little. The next words from Levine's mouth chilled him. "Can I talk to Dave and Maria?"

He looked at Levine. "They're dead Levine. All the crew is. You know that, you were there. Now if you can't tell me then who can you tell?"

Levine thought for a moment then spoke. "Pete. I'll talk to Pete, he's a writer he ought to understand."

He reeled off the number and Addison keyed it in, choosing to take the call outside. It rang for 5 rings, before it was picked up. Addison spoke feeling vaguely nervous. "This is Doctor Addison. My patient is Ivor Levine, I believe you know him. He's asking for you; if you've a few minutes we'd be glad you dropped by."

"Sure. Don't bother with directions, I know the way." The phone was set down.

Addison grimaced at the handset, then hung up. Quicker than he'd thought possible, Pete- or who he assumed was Pete, was there. Addison cautioned him. "He's a little volatile, so just try and behave as though you believe in whatever he says." He set off for the staffroom in order to resist the temptation to listen at the door. Barely fifteen minutes later, Pete walked swiftly by, gleaming with sweat and shaking uncontrollably. He didn't seem to hear Addison call, and he didn't have time to chase him. Instead he dashed to Levine's rooms. He wasn't there. He was reaching to press the panic button when Levine's voice stopped him.

He was standing in the doorway and the sun shining through the windows turned his flat fair hair, into shimmering white gold. The voice was casual, matter of fact. "I shouldn't have told Pete. I don't think many people could hear what I'm going to say and not change." He stepped past Addison and walked to the large window. "I'm not a religious man Mr Addison. But deep down I guess most astronauts are. When you see that dark curtain scattered with stars, most people's thoughts turn to eternity at some point and I'm no different."

Addison was panicking, attempting to manouevere himself to the alarm button. Levine was off his rocker, and Addison was in the deep end. Those weeks alone in a spaceship filled with the dead, had obviously finished off his sanity. Levine continued. "I've met God, Mr Addison, we met and we spoke." He laughed a flat laugh. "And he told me something very special."

A curious buzzing started in Addison's ears. "You see," Levine carried on. "For God everything is on a cosmic scale, and yet he made us. He made us to be what he could not be. He made us to be his perfect image. Remember your Bible Addison? 'and he made man in his own image.' Like we made that robot to be the perfect flawless human, so he made us to be perfect infalliable Gods. But can something flawed, make something perfect and whole." He laughed hysterically, and the sound grated on Addison's taut nerves.

"I've looked into God's face and it was mine." He gulped air. "My face with a scar ripping it open." He doubled over. "We're a failed amalagamation of God and perfection Addison. All of us." The rest of his speech was unintelligible, distorted by his laughter.

Addison swayed. Levine, was mad. He had to be. Had to be. Had to be. Didn't bear thinking about. The laughter battered at his ears, and his universe narrowed to that noise, that wild inhuman sound. If only it would stop, he could think. His reason collapsed. He smashed Levine's head into the sharp corner of the table again and again, and then against the floor, until it made a wet sound. A scream filled the room, and he pounded harder. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. But he was the only one screaming.

When they tore him off the battered mess on the floor his eyes sought the window. A hand rested against the glass, and his own sad face, a summer shower dripping like rain down his cheeks, marred with a terrible scar, stared straight back at him.

[Virgil writer]

wow...i really enjoyed it
although it was a bit long and i beleieve you need a bit more description

[SJAB]

This is just my opinion on things of the first few paragraphs... will try and do the rest later...

The room was quiet and the question bounced off the smooth white walls.

In the second half of the sentence you say the question bounced off the walls, so the room was not quiet.

Nothing he said provoked any response, and finally he switched on the viewing

As the previous paragraph was talking about the astronaut, and this one begins with "he" the reader thinks it is the same character, but it is the doctor I assume. Needs to be clearer.

The camera's panned out to show the Delphi building, and then complete with voice-over zoomed in. The voice droned on.

This feels clumsy suggest "The camera's panned out to show the Delphi building, and then accompained with a droning voice-over, zoomed in.

crows of demonstrators.

crowds

The pyschiatrist felt a convulsive tremor pass through the man at his side, and a muttered word. "Perfection."

How did he "feel" the tremour, was he touching the man? The sentence also says he felt the word "perfection"

The man's voice was unremarkable, neither deep nor light, and it was perfectly audible. He turned and intensity flared so strongly in his eyes that the pyschiatrist physically recoiled. "Take me there." He pointed at the screen and enunicated every word clearly. His eyes sought out the other man's name badge. "Now Mr Addison."

Intensity flared, Instensity of what? Fear? Concern?

[SJAB]

Not going to do a line by line for the rest of my critique but ask some questions and make some general comments.

Why was Mr Addison allowed access to the project so easily, and why were the general public being given tours of what was such a special project?


Up to the point where you finish describing the robot you are using Addison's POV after that you begin to head hop between Addison's and Levine's

Now comes the big question; Why bring Pete into it, it dilutes the power of the story and the twist by having a third party come in at this point. You lose the power of the story's punch. Perhaps you should have Addison as the friend, concerned and worried and as the nature of the ending is given have him responding rather that it diluted through the character of Pete.

Now, the idea is a strong one and the link between the creation of the robot and God's creation of man is well done, as is the liking of the robot to an infant. Keep writing!!

[Amber]

Thanks very much for such constructive criticism- I really appreciate it

If I may just answer a couple of your queries?

Why was Mr Addison allowed access to the project so easily, and why were the general public being given tours of what was such a special project?

Addison was allowed in so easily, because he was touting Levine along with him- the sole survivor of the last space project. This carries a certain status especially in science related terms. The public got tours of the facility- though were *not* shown the robot, because Delphi were trying to educate the public into knowing that robots were harmless, trying to give an inside glimpse so to speak.

Now comes the big question; Why bring Pete into it, it dilutes the power of the story and the twist by having a third party come in at this point. You lose the power of the story's punch. Perhaps you should have Addison as the friend, concerned and worried and as the nature of the ending is given have him responding rather that it diluted through the character of Pete.

I think you're right, and this is one of the things that I want to change. Pete was meant to be a catalyst in the original draft to getting Levine to first start to formulate his ideas, but he doesn't work.

Again thank you!

[jackokent]

Can't really add anything to the other points of view. I'm normally against too much description but I could have easily coped with more as the story was so strong and fascinating I don't think extra description would have dilluted it too much and might have helped make jumps fromard to hospital etc and also explained some of the things you have detailed in your thread above.

I also, didn't like the viewpoint hop, am not sure you needed Levine's viewpoint at all.

My only other thoughts were that the terms Addison use, as a phsychiartist seemed very unproffessional. I don't have any experience of the field but I think they'd use more clinical phrases.

I actualy didn't notice it was a long post as I enjoyed it so much. I'd love to read more.

[Paradox 99]

A fascinating piece, Amber.
Concerning your question about how the idea sounds and how it flows, I think the idea is great. You had me gripped through the whole thing and the ending was as shocking as it was intriguing. I loved it.

As for flow, for the most part, it flowed neatly but was interrupted by the POV shift that's already been mentioned.

I noticed some grammar things which I'll point out here - mainly to do with commas/apostrophes. You didn't specify that you wanted that kind of critique so feel free to ignore...

The camera's panned out to show the Delphi building

No apostrophe required in cameras.

and then complete with voice-over zoomed in.

Feels better with a comma after "voice-over"

"The brain will be in it's mental infancy,

There shouldn't be a comma in its.

One woman flushed with passion, told the camera's of her fear it was inhumane,

You don't need the apostrophe in cameras there either.

Remember your Bible Addison?

You need a comma after Bible.

"We're a failed amalagamation of God and perfection Addison. All of us."

Again, a comma is needed after perfection (i.e. a comma is always needed before someone's name in speech). Also there's an extra "a" you don't need in amalgamation.

The laughter battered at his ears, and his universe narrowed to that noise, that wild inhuman sound.

Excellent line! I really like that.

Anyway, nice work - I hope to see some more.

[chrispenycate]

Yes, it took me a long time to grt round to this, and probably others have already made these points.

Originally Posted by Amber

'Flawed Perfection.'



"What did you see?"


The room was quiet and the question bounced off the smooth white walls. The pyschiatrist sighed in frustration. Not a sign from the patient all month. All tests proved that he was not catatonic, that he had perfect speech capability- he was just choosing not to use it. His patient was the only survivor of mankind's last space drive,

this sentence can be taken in two different ways: either "mankinds most recent attempt at colonising space" or "the ultimate way of propelling a vessel through space"

the last person to venture into space and return. The space program had shut down, amid rumblings of uninterest. His crew had died, and he'd drifted for weeks before his automatic return.

Nothing he said provoked any response, and finally he switched on the viewing screen that was deep set in the wall. A pseudo- scientific program was in, supposedly exploring the place of robots in society.
The camera's panned out to show the Delphi building, and then complete with voice-over zoomed in. The voice droned on. "Amidst the biggest ethical controversy of the century, Delphi have been creating what they claim is the robotic equivalant of a human brain. Expectations centre eagerly on this major step forward in robotics. The brain will be housed in a fairly rudimentary frame, which will mimick the human form in it's essentials, though not in complexity."

A Delphic spokesperson appeared on the screen. "The brain will be in it's mental infancy, and we have decided it will be brought up almost as a child- with every stimulus and care possible. We hope to create something as close to perfection as any of us are likely to get."

The screen moved to focus on a crows

crowd

of demonstrators. One woman flushed with passion, told the camera's

no apostrophe

of her fear it was inhumane,

why "inhumane"? Cruelty to dumb robots?

and that nobody could create perfection. The pyschiatrist felt a convulsive tremor pass through the man at his side, and a muttered word. "Perfection." The man's voice was unremarkable, neither deep nor light, and it was perfectly audible. He turned and intensity flared so strongly in his eyes that the pyschiatrist physically recoiled. "Take me there." He pointed at the screen and enunicated every word clearly. His eyes sought out the other man's name badge. "Now

comma

Mr Addison."

It took a very short time to arrange a guided tour- almost shorter than the extensive security checks carried out on them both, Addison thought sourly. The guards had been apologetic but thorough, anything metallic was taken from them, including Addison's wedding ring. They were throughly searched and scanned. The PR man was apologetic as well. "We get a lot of cranks in here, trying to harm our work," he explained, sticking a name badge on them both.

very pedantic, but "each of them" A common badge would impede movement. "thorough" has numerous synonyms, and it might be wourth changing one of them

The tour was extensive, and Addison could sense both his patients' impatience with the time it was taking, and his nervous strained excitement as they moved closer to the penultimate lab. A dark haired woman bumped into them, and flicking her eyes down to their name badges stiffened. "Sorry Mr Levine." She hurried away, glancing back at them nervously. Levine looked at Addison in query,

there's nothing actually wrong with "in query" but … If he "glanced a query at Addison" maybe?

and Addison said wryly. "You're famous."

The lab was divided in two- a viewing room, enclosed in bullet proof glass, looped in alarm systems and monitoring programs, while in the other room sat

chairs stand; they've nothing to sit on

a chair, and on it, limbs bent in a parody of sitting

comma

was the robot. Addison had vaguely imagined a fully humanoid figure, maybe even an android, indistinguishable from a human. Certainly he had not imagined a solid metallic torso, with legs that looked too spindly to hold it up, arms that were similary frail, and a head that was out of proportion. Something in the waywardly

are you sure about that adjective?

thrown figure, reminded Addison of a dead child, no life animating it's limbs.

The PR man spoke. "Naturally we haven't been able to simulate a sense of smell, but one of our brightest made sure it had a rudimentary taste mechanism, and most other functions are up and
running."

"It eats?" Addison asked half repulsed, half fascinated.

"In a fashion. It has no digestive system, but technically it is like a human child- in one end, out the other." He laughed heartily at his own joke. While they were talking, Levine spread his fingers against the glass as though trying to reach through. The robot was no more than 70 cm long, the height

lenght?

of a small child. Levine heard the guide explain, that is

no comma before "that, and "if", not "is"

this was successful that they would transfer it to a larger body at some stage, imitating the process of growing up.

"Does it have a name or a sex?"

gender - the man is a medicaldoctor and would know the difference

asked Addison.

"Technically it's male. The primary patterns in his brain, have attributes that are commonly associated with male characteristics. As to a name, everyone on the project calls him something different, though we'll leave the final choice to the surrogate parents. Lovely people actually. Two kids already, both away,

"away"? both left home? there'll be plenty of affection.

Levin pressed the glass, and Addison gave him a worried look. Levine could feel a tear threatening, but he harshly blinked it away. "Poor child," he whispered softly. "Nothing's going to change."

Back at the hospital, Addison tried to question Levine, but was gently rebuffed. "You wouldn't understand Doc. You'd nod and agree and mark me down as one of the crazies." There was silence for a little. The next words from Levine's mouth chilled him. "Can I talk to Dave and Maria?"

He looked at Levine. "They're dead Levine. All the crew is. You know that, you were there. Now

comma

if you can't tell me

comma

then who can you tell?"

Levine thought for a moment then spoke. "Pete. I'll talk to Pete, he's a writer

comma

he ought to understand."

He reeled off the number and Addison keyed it in, choosing to take the call outside. It rang for 5 rings,

no comma

before it was picked up. Addison spoke feeling vaguely nervous. "This is Doctor Addison. My patient is Ivor Levine, I believe you know him. He's asking for you; if you've a few minutes we'd be glad

if

you dropped by."

"Sure. Don't bother with directions, I know the way." The phone was set down.

Addison grimaced at the handset, then hung up. Quicker than he'd thought possible, Pete- or who he assumed was Pete

I think it's "what he assumed was Pete", even if it's obviously a human being

, was there. Addison cautioned him. "He's a little volatile, so just try and behave as though you believe in whatever he says." He set off for the staffroom in order to resist the temptation to listen at the door. Barely fifteen minutes later, Pete walked swiftly by, gleaming with sweat and shaking uncontrollably. He didn't seem to hear Addison call, and he didn't have time to chase him. Instead he dashed to Levine's rooms. He wasn't there. He was reaching to press the panic button when Levine's voice stopped him.

He was standing in the doorway and the sun shining through the windows turned his flat fair hair,

no comma

into shimmering white gold. The voice was casual, matter of fact. "I shouldn't have told Pete. I don't think many people could hear what I'm going to say and not change." He stepped past Addison and walked to the large window. "I'm not a religious man Mr Addison. But deep down I guess most astronauts are. When you see that dark curtain scattered with stars, most people's thoughts turn to eternity at some point and I'm no different."

Addison was panicking, attempting to manouevere himself to the alarm button. Levine was off his rocker, and Addison was in the deep end.

"in the deep end"?

Those weeks alone in a spaceship filled with the dead, had obviously finished off his sanity. Levine continued. "I've met God, Mr Addison, we met and we spoke." He laughed a flat laugh. "And he told me something very special."

A curious buzzing started in Addison's ears. "You see," Levine carried on. "For God everything is on a cosmic scale, and yet he made us. He made us to be what he could not be. He made us to be his perfect image. Remember your Bible Addison? 'and he made man in his own image.' Like we made that robot to be the perfect flawless human, so he made us to be perfect infalliable Gods. But can something flawed,

no comma

make something perfect and whole."

question mark

He laughed hysterically, and the sound grated on Addison's taut nerves.

"I've looked into God's face and it was mine." He gulped air. "My face with a scar ripping it open." He doubled over. "We're a failed amalagamation of God and perfection Addison. All of us." The rest of his speech was unintelligible, distorted by his laughter.

Addison swayed. Levine, was mad. He had to be. Had to be. Had to be. Didn't bear thinking about. The laughter battered at his ears, and his universe narrowed to that noise, that wild inhuman sound. If only it would stop, he could think. His reason collapsed. He smashed Levine's head into the sharp corner of the table again and again, and then against the floor, until it made a wet sound. A scream filled the room, and he pounded harder. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. But he was the only one screaming.

When they tore him off the battered mess on the floor his eyes sought the window. A hand rested against the glass, and his own sad face, a summer shower dripping like rain down his cheeks, marred with a terrible scar, stared straight back at him.

there are several point where indefinite pronouns ("he"s) go on too long, and we can't tell who's being talked about until context drags us along "He didn't seem to hear Addison call, and he didn't have time to chase him. Instead he dashed to Levine's rooms. He wasn't there. He was reaching to press the panic button when Levine's voice stopped him." And occasionally drags a little, but generally readable.